Ham Fisted
The pig at the centre of the David Cameron scandal has broken her silence in an exclusive kiss and squeal interview.
Under the alias ‘Margaret’ she said that she wanted to get things straight, “Something Mr Cameron had no trouble doing in his student days”.
Filed under Badgers, breaking news, News, Politics, Sex, skeleton, Society, spam, Troubled Families
Customers ‘left stunned’ – unlike the animals.
A veterinary surgery that claims to follow halal practices has drawn protests in the village of Harold.
Following guidelines for animal welfare dictated by an angel some 1,400 years ago, the Jamuh Haariat practice treats a range of ailments using only a sharp knife.
“While we could use an anaesthetic, that isn’t specifically mentioned in the Quran”, explained Dr Haariat. “That either means they weren’t invented then, or more likely, Allah forbids them.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, Food, Medicine
This sheep was stunned shortly before it was humanely run over.
In response to the uproar surrounding unmarked Halal meat, supermarkets have pledged to offer consumers much more choice in the way animals are killed.
Sifting through the meat aisle of her local Tesco, Harold resident Pippa Delaney welcomed the move.
“It’s so much better, now we’re properly and sometimes graphically informed”, she insisted. “Let’s see: cricket bat with a nail in it…bolt gun in the face…liver failure…ooh! This one sounds delicious AND guilt-free: ‘hit by a meteorite’. I bet that makes it tender as well.”
Take twice before meals
Whilst Durham’s Police and Crime Commissioner is assessing drug consumption rooms, where addicts may safely inject, Boris Johnson thinks their remit might be extended to include pies.
London’s Mayor has studied a summary of a half-page article about research in Denmark, where they already run drug rooms and he believes the model might work here too.
Johnson says the experiment in Copenhagen has helped clean up streets from take-away food wrappers.
“Gluttons are good for business and good for London, in the same way as compulsive gamblers and alcoholics. But we want gluttons to access pies in a safe environment so they’re not committing crimes against decency; say munching a pasty in the dole queue without using a serviette, then dropping the greasy bag on the floor.”
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Also considering attempting to raise the dead
Celebrity chef, Heston Blumenthal, is set to once again challenge the public’s perception of what can be classed as food with the release of a new line of curries made from human body parts.
In his constant quest for attention Blumenthal has been advocating alternative foods such as insects for a number of years, but limited success has seen him look into even more radical options.
“I’ve been banging on about the need for different, sustainable foods as the earth’s population continues to grow but nobody seems to be listening, possibly because they’re not overly keen on eating bugs.” said the owner of the award-winning Fat Duck restaurant, “That’s when I hit on the idea of eating people instead. It’s a truly sustainable food and could also help towards controlling the population and keeping homelessness and unemployment figures down.”
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Presenter ‘basically a sausage and cardboard’
The BBC has again been forced to apologise for Top Gear, after it was revealed that Richard Hammond’s personality had been faked.
Hammond, a 4’9″ pile of crudely moulded spam, has been used by the show regularly to make up the number of oafs. But audiences weren’t explicitly told that he was a shaped heap of minced cheap cuts, a situation the BBC admitted was ‘regrettable’.
“When we agreed to Clarkson’s demands for a meat-based dwarf gollum, we didn’t think anyone would take it too seriously”, insisted BBC Apologizer Quentin Sharpes. “It’s pretty obvious it’s just made from hair gel and the eyes of a Slow Loris, topped off with a massively oversized watch.”
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Heads & Tails butchers promises to ‘make ends meat’
The villagers of Harold have taken to the high street, to celebrate their new-found independence from Tesco. Many spent under 45 minutes finding a parking space and then a business that wasn’t all boarded up.
For decades Harold has lived under the cruel tyranny of Tesco, suffering from a wide range of goods at near-affordable prices. But now a reasonably hygienic butchers has opened up on the High Street, breaking Tesco’s stranglehold on the community’s meat-based desires. Cllr Ron Ronsson spoke for many when he simply could not hold back his delight with this new place to get his chop on.
“I’ve been shopping in Tesco for so long now, I’d forgotten about the high street completely”, said Ronsson. “Then I found this amazing business that just sells meat and things made from the wobbly bits, so I thought ‘why don’t I buy everything from here?'”
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