Village celebrates ‘Independence from Tesco Day’


Heads & Tails butchers promises to ‘make ends meat’

The villagers of Harold have taken to the high street, to celebrate their new-found independence from Tesco. Many spent under 45 minutes finding a parking space and then a business that wasn’t all boarded up.

For decades Harold has lived under the cruel tyranny of Tesco, suffering from a wide range of goods at near-affordable prices. But now a reasonably hygienic butchers has opened up on the High Street, breaking Tesco’s stranglehold on the community’s meat-based desires. Cllr Ron Ronsson spoke for many when he simply could not hold back his delight with this new place to get his chop on.

“I’ve been shopping in Tesco for so long now, I’d forgotten about the high street completely”, said Ronsson. “Then I found this amazing business that just sells meat and things made from the wobbly bits, so I thought ‘why don’t I buy everything from here?'”

Ronsson claims he has tried shopping around before, but couldn’t find enough protein in either of the greenmongers or the local Danish cinema. “Now I’ve found ‘Heads and Tails’ butchers, I’m enjoying meat sweats every day”, enthused the councillor. “And my doctor tells me  I’m now 30 percent more ruddy.”

Business owner Darwin Phillips explained how he became a locally-sourced hero, leading the charge against Tesco’s corporate blandness. “I first became interested in being a butcher after watching ‘No Country For Old Men’, before that I just did it because I owned a butcher’s shop”, he explained.

“Business has never been so good, and much of that is down solely to Cllr Ronsson. His big, sweating red face is never far away from my chopper.”

Ronsson now realises the folly of trudging down endless aisles, and has improvised a flesh-based solution to most of his grocery list. “I put chipolatas in the TV remote when the batteries went flat, and a kidney makes a perfectly serviceable flannel. I brush my teeth with goose fat and floss with the string from the roast. I’m even wiping my bottom with  bacon.”

“Oh yes, this has really opened my eyes. I now know that there’s nothing a man can’t do with a determined mind and a firm sausage”, he exclaimed before demanding to know why people were sniggering.

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