We get confused between GT, GTi, and GiT
Colleagues of Alec Fairchild no longer even look up when, unprompted, he raises vital issues such as his VW Golf’s 0-60 times.
“Did I tell you it’s the GT model?” he asks most days, whilst his co-workers stare fixedly at their computers.
Fairchild, a pub bore from Harold, likes to share the burden of his condition with people at work, who don’t have the option of suddenly remembering an urgent appointment Continue reading
If you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you
The village of Harold is tinged with sadness this morning following the news that village idiot, Tim Trotman, has died leaving precisely no one left alive who even slightly cares about Top Gear or Jeremy Clarkson’s new show.
“Tim was well excited,” said neighbour Julie Kettle. “He loved all the hype and the fact that there’s something about both shows in the press every sodding day. He even thought most of it was real reporting and not part of two micromanaged publicity campaigns. Bless ‘im.” Continue reading
SOME DRIVERS LOST CONTROL WHILST AVOIDING STROLLING CHEWERS
Retired Colonel, Richard Blimp has called for a ban on people smoking fags and chewing gum near the Cenotaph.
“The first memorial was erected for a peace parade a hundred years ago” he said “but we’ve managed to wrestle it back for the jingo.”
Blimp believes that soldiers who died in war would be appalled by people enjoying the freedom they gave their lives for and peacefully wandering past the Cenotaph whilst idly smoking, chewing gum, or listening to the Chris Evans breakfast show.
Single mum and classic car enthusiast Carly Jeffrey is delighted that she can now call her Vauxhall a Ferrari.
Carly has owned her Corsa for 6 years but has just legally rebadged it as an ultra-rare Ferrari 250GTO, after a surprise EU ruling on protected trademarks.
“Don’t get me wrong” said Carly “the Corsa’s a fine car – especially the 1.8 GSi with alloys and air-con as standard – but it’s always been my dream to own a £3M Italian supercar. Continue reading
Evans dumps another load of former co-hosts.
Chris Evans has announced plans to clear out his garage, by auctioning off a number of unwanted ex co-presenters.
The self-confessed ginger has a vast collection of broken, long-forgotten sidekicks, which he buys at car boot sales, paints orange and then stores in his shed.
Amongst the lots are a rare Gaby Roslin, an ex-works Will McDonald and a tastefully modified Holly Hotlips.
Evans also enjoys playing golf. F**king golf.
- Chris Evans owns dozens of Ferraris, but he painted them white because red ones clash with his hair.
- Chris Evans has had it written into his contract that no star will be allowed to beat his lap time in a reasonably priced car, because he owns dozens of Ferraris.
- Owning dozens of Ferraris means that Chris Evans knows lots about cars, and it doesn’t make him an obvious wanker.
- Chris Evans does a lot of work for charity with his dozens of Ferraris, but doesn’t like to talk about it.
- Noel Edmonds once presented Top Gear. Noel Fucking Edmonds. He doesn’t even own dozens of Ferraris.
- Chris Evans once bought the most expensive car at auction, a Ferrari. He no longer remembers which one it is.
- Chris Evans impressed the BBC with his in-depth car knowledge. For instance, he can remember how much he paid for each of his dozens of Ferraris.
- Evans hasn’t grafted for years writing reviews of workaday cars for local newspapers, or founded a motoring press agency. But he makes up for this lack of experience with dozens of Ferraris.
- Quentin Wilson thinks Chris Evans will be perfect for Top Gear, but his opinion is worthless because he doesn’t own dozens of Ferraris.
- Evans will have security protection on set to avoid being hit by producers because he owns dozens of Ferraris.
Guy Martin, and some packets of political promises.
Guy Martin is set to become the next Labour leader, if a bookies in Harold is to be believed.
Pulling ahead of Jodie Kidd and that shouty policeman from Life on Mars, Martin is odds-on favourite in the race to the red flag.
“What’s that chief?”, asked the adrenalin junkie, “leader of the pack? That’s not really my scene, I’m more of a racer than a moderate or a rocker.”
The new team decide who to pick on first.
The BBC has announced exciting plans to gently manoeuvre the hit show ‘Top Gear’ away from the race track, and into the kitchen.
“Some fans have said that the show was never really about cars, it was in fact about the chemistry between three oafs”, revealed BBC Imagineer Ross Kelp.
“So why not get in some new presenters, teach them to be shits, and get them cooking at each other in Peru?”
With 73% of the BBC’s current output focussing on food, Kelp sees this as proof that now is the time to ‘apron up’.
In his first comment since being dropped from the TV show Top Gear, Jeremy Clarkson has said he will miss punching people in the face.
The presenter was writing in his first column for the Sun since he was released from the show on 25 March after an “unprovoked physical attack” on a producer.
“Heartfelt thanks to all those who have written to say how much they will miss me on Top Gear,” he wrote. “It’s not as much, however, as I’ll miss being there.”
“Mainly,” he continued, “the sensation of smashing my knuckles into the face of someone who fears for their job and has done nothing wrong except working on the same show as a bullying overweight twat. You know, those sorts of things. Specifically, the punching.” Continue reading
London: tomorrow. Thanks liberal, SJW Guardianistas, thanks a lot.
A surprising source for the fire currently raging under central London has been revealed – God.
“In the BBC I am not well pleased,” the Supreme Being told us. “For, lo, I did most heartily love chilling out on Sunday nights and watching Jezza, Hamster and Captain Slow. Not a Holy Trinity but a wholly amusing one.” Continue reading
A greengrocer in Harold has angrily denied that he’s quitting, and instead vowed to continue in his role.
Defiantly operating his till and a sort of weighing contraption to the left of it, Dominic Evans of ‘Evans Vegetables and Sons’ faced up to a string of customers, one at a time.
The move to stay put comes quickly after the departure of Cllr Ron Ronsson: he brushed past our reporter carrying a melon and some carrots.
Despite the ‘cash for fruit’ controversy, no-one has actually called for Evans to leave. But they will do, once a journalist gets to the front of the queue. “What on earth are talking about?” demanded Evans. “Where the f*** would I go?”, before adding “do you want those potatoes or not?”
An anonymous threat to not buy a television licence is being treated as ‘serious’ by police.
“We received a tip-off by email that a member of the public was planning to switch on an appliance, without having the appropriate paperwork”, said Harold’s PC Flegg.
“As soon as I read it, I put my Taser on charge and had a couple of practice shots at a potato on my sofa”, said Flegg. “I knew it was perfectly safe, because I don’t need permission to use it. Unlike my television, which costs me £145.50 a year before I can legally operate it.”
A psychological profiler thinks they’re looking for a man in their 40s, who likes cars or has a history of using one. He may also be uninterested in cooking competitively, and has possibly never knitted a bee.
An inanimate object, in front of a racing car.
Evergrey favourite Dermot O’Leary has been chosen by the BBC to host a new show about the mundanity of transport.
Fun-tolerating Dermot, 61, welcomed his new challenge, and has pledged to own a car in the near future.
“This is an exciting time”, said O’Leary, with 13.53pm in mind.
“A lot of the 350 million worldwide viewers of Top Gear were put off by its shameless entertainment, and that’s something I’m here to nip in the bud.”
Dermot is looking forward to presenting his update of ‘a star in a reasonably underpowered car’, where the aim is to use the least fuel in an unfilmed lap of the track.
The Internet has been reacting angrily following the BBC’s “ridiculous decision” not to renew Jeremy Clarkson’s contract after he beat up a producer.
The BBC made the decision that verbally abusing someone followed by a physical assault that sent them to A&E crossed the line, a decision that was “PC gone mad” according to the Internet.
“If you can’t punch a colleague when you are hungry, then what can you do?” one Daily Mail commenter said but with many more spelling mistakes.
Circle Finger, 3 rounds, contact wins contract.
With heavyweight Clarkson no longer a contender, James ‘Ironing’ May and Richard ‘Anklebiter’ Hammond are hoping to follow in his footsteps and get sacked by the BBC.
In a pay-per-view fight exclusive to Sky, the two featherwits will attempt to punch their way out of their contracts.
“May doesn’t scare me”, said Hammond. “Except when he stands up, looks disapprovingly at me, moves suddenly, wears a bright shirt or mentions me on Twitter.”
With a double knockout seen by many as the only way of getting out of a world Top Gear tour, both gladiators have been practising moving their arms.
Digital TV station Dave has admitted if the BBC don’t film anymore of the motoring show Top Gear, their output will fall by more than half in two years’ time.
With Top Gear repeating on “the home of witty banter” more than Brussels sprouts repeat on the consumers of a Christmas dinner, it has become a staple of their schedule. The potential cancellation of the hit show will leave a massive gap on the channel.
Filed under Culture, News
He won’t be the first professor on the show. Mary Beard is The Stig
The BBC have announced that Richard Dawkins is to join the Top Gear team when the show returns for its new season.
Dawkins, who has this week ignited fresh controversy by saying that a woman who knows her child will be born with Down’s Syndrome would be immoral if she did not abort it, has frequently hit the headlines for making inflammatory statements. In July he said that date rape wasn’t as bad as stranger rape and at Easter tweeted “Hershey’s is far superior to Dairy Milk. Anyone who disagrees should go away and learn how to think.” Continue reading
Look what door he’s stood in front of. Is this what’s coming next?
Danny Cohen, the BBC’s Director of Television, has said that the corporation doesn’t think Jeremy Clarkson is racist but confirms that he is awful.
“I am convinced that Jeremy Clarkson is not racist,” Cohen wrote in a letter to the Guardian, “but merely a bully who mocks anyone who isn’t experiencing the world from his bubble of privilege.” Continue reading