Tag Archives: fire

by | November 6, 2015 · 10:47 am

Police apologise for leaving ‘unrecalled’ Zafiras near protesters

fire fire

The recall will involve a new electronic component and a bucket of water.

Following a recall to fix unwanted fires, Metropolitan police have apologised for leaving Vauxhall Zafiras near protesters.

Vauxhall are recalling 22,000 of their cars to stop them bursting into flames, a fault that has already made anti-capitalist protesters in London appear more ‘bad-ass’.

“It’s completely unacceptable for the police to ‘petrol bomb’ us in this way”, said Anonymous supporter Brian Halls. “Although the recall also affects diesel models.”
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by | April 2, 2015 · 3:32 pm

Fire raging under London will continue until Jeremy Clarkson is back on Top Gear, says God

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London: tomorrow. Thanks liberal, SJW Guardianistas, thanks a lot.

A surprising source for the fire currently raging under central London has been revealed – God.

“In the BBC I am not well pleased,” the Supreme Being told us. “For, lo, I did most heartily love chilling out on Sunday nights and watching Jezza, Hamster and Captain Slow. Not a Holy Trinity but a wholly amusing one.” Continue reading →

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Saatchi and Saatchi have worked tirelessly to keep morons alive

With the next firefighters’ day of on-the-books inaction looming, Fire Minister Brandon Lewis has issued a list of precautions that many people wouldn’t have immediately thought of.

Top Government tips for the duration of industrial action include: Avoid taking lit birthday cakes to bed with you. Don’t let your man light his cigar when re-fuelling the Jag. And think twice before drying out damp fireworks in a gas oven.

“We’ve all done that haven’t we?” chuckled Mr Lewis, “Especially if we’ve some old fireworks left over from last 5th November, but probably best not-to this week.”

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by | October 18, 2013 · 12:53 am
by | May 27, 2013 · 7:30 am

Councillor defends sudden holiday, despite house being on fire

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Still in control, at 30,000 feet

Councillor Ron Ronsson has been widely criticised for going on holiday, despite his house being ablaze for several hours before he left.

Ronsson is no stranger to dealing with emergencies, and has the people at Lastminute.com on speed-dial. But some in the council have claimed that looking for a reasonable deal in the sun should always play second-fiddle to calling the emergency services.

“I’m still in charge”, claimed Ronsson, on a note found in his drive way. “’All-inclusive’ doesn’t mean we’ve suddenly become a commune.”
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