Top Gear under fire for faking Richard Hammond’s personality


Presenter ‘basically a sausage and cardboard’

The BBC has again been forced to apologise for Top Gear, after it was revealed that Richard Hammond’s personality had been faked.

Hammond, a 4’9″ pile of crudely moulded spam, has been used by the show regularly to make up the number of oafs. But audiences weren’t explicitly told that he was a shaped heap of minced cheap cuts, a situation the BBC admitted was ‘regrettable’.

“When we agreed to Clarkson’s demands for a meat-based dwarf gollum, we didn’t think anyone would take it too seriously”, insisted BBC Apologizer Quentin Sharpes. “It’s pretty obvious it’s just made from hair gel and the eyes of a Slow Loris, topped off with a massively oversized watch.”

Sharpes admitted that people who watch TV were ‘probably quite stupid’ and agreed to signpost more clearly what was real and what was imaginary in future.

“We’ve sent a box of ‘this isn’t real’ stickers to Dave so they can flag up issues on our repeats”, revealed Sharpes. “There’s some for Mr Blobby, Gordon the Gopher and Marcus Brigstocke’s ‘working class’ credentials. But most of them are for Top Gear because Hammond does feature quite regularly. Except on hot days, when he does start to rot.”

This isn’t the first time Top Gear has run into controversy: the show caused outrage in the Guardian when it suggested that some people actually quite enjoy owning a car. “I’ve never been so insulted, of course people don’t enjoy convenient personal transport”, said one viewer. “Although I didn’t actually see the episode in question, because I was stuck on the Tube.”

The revelation does cause a few issues for the show, now that the Hammond meat puppet has been rumbled. “Not to worry, I’m sure we’ll figure something out”, said Jeremy Clarkson. “We’ll probably just hollow out Aled Jones and dress him in denim.”

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