Boris pushes ‘Drug Rooms’ for pies

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Whilst Durham’s Police and Crime Commissioner is assessing drug consumption rooms, where addicts may safely inject, Boris Johnson thinks their remit might be extended to include pies.

London’s Mayor has studied a summary of a half-page article about research in Denmark, where they already run drug rooms and he believes the model might work here too.

Johnson says the experiment in Copenhagen has helped clean up streets from take-away food wrappers.

“Gluttons are good for business and good for London, in the same way as compulsive gamblers and alcoholics. But we want gluttons to access pies in a safe environment so they’re not committing crimes against decency; say munching a pasty in the dole queue without using a serviette, then dropping the greasy bag on the floor.”

23 year-old dual-dependant Jenny Goblet started using recreational drugs and McDonald’s burgers in her early teens but quickly moved on to heroin and beef dripping.

“Life is difficult enough for a junkie but when every alternate waking moment is spent dreaming of lard it’s so much worse. I do have standards though,” says Jenny “I draw the line at eating a Greggs ham and cheese turnover in public so the pie room scheme could be a life-saver.” To be honest, actually using the drugs isn’t  the issue. I’ll shoot up anywhere, as long as I can find something that looks like a vein; there are times when literally any vein will do. I even had a dig in a piece of Blue Stilton once.”

Johnson says the rooms will be fitted with washrooms so users may wash their hands before eating. He dismissed fears that putting drug and pie addicts in the same place would be problematic.

“Many issues faced by heroin and recovered-meat users are similar. Often, just after using, there is an overwhelming sense of nausea, so obviously we’ll also install plenty of WCs with heavy-duty flushing systems. Although we find shooting a bag of smack up an artery soon after eating helps them feel much better in no time.”

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