Tag Archives: surgery

by | May 13, 2015 · 11:00 am

Vegans clamour for shoes made from skin of world’s fattest man

nude shoes

Nude shoes are unusually well insulated.

Eight pairs of ‘nude’ shoes crafted from the excess skin of tubster Paul Mason are expected to break all records at a specialist vegan auction.

Suffolk-born Paul Mason was once hailed ‘the world’s fattest man’, but lost 160 kilos when his vending machine broke down. The rapid weight loss left him enveloped in loose folds of skin.

Now a leading designer has created the first vegan-friendly ‘leather’ shoes, from the excess material removed from Paul by New York surgeons.

“We managed to get two pairs of size 5s just from his left thigh”, said the creator, Brian Lichtenberg. “The leather is so soft, it’s really good quality.”

“There’s virtually no scars from where he’s scratched against barbed wire fences, although there are one or two stretch marks.”
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by | October 23, 2014 · 7:00 am

North Korea reports Renee Zellweger looks different ‘because she’s dead’

Pyongyang suspected of photoshopping Zellweger's obituary.

Pyongyang suspected of photoshopping Zellweger’s obituary.

North Korea’s news agency is regretting using Google Translate, after it put Renee Zellweger’s new look down to her recent demise.

“I look like this because I’m finally at peace”, Zellweger told a Hollywood awards ceremony. Minutes later, a candle-lit vigil began in Pyongyang.

A spokesman for Kim Jong-un explained that the supreme leader felt an affinity with Zellweger. The dictator has also experienced rapid weight gain in his past, coupled with a powerful attraction to Hugh Grant that ultimately ended in rejection and recrimination.

“Zellweger will be best remembered for her voice work in Monsters V Aliens, a film about the oppression of the people by an evil US government”, said Jong-un in a statement from his recently no-longer-dead uncle. “Although over here, her character was of course voiced by someone else.”

“And just like Ms Zellweger, I also look like this because I’m dead”, said Jong-un’s statement. “You still love me, even though I’ve done a lot of cheese.”

 

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by | February 26, 2014 · 7:00 am

Huey Lewis sues surgeon after ‘prank’ square hip replacement

huey

Huey Lewis begged surgeon ‘I want a new drug’.

80s pop legend Huey Lewis is suing his orthopaedic surgeon Dr. Nigel Trent, after being fitted with a cube-shaped hip replacement ‘for a joke’.

Lewis (63) nearly died during the operation, which left him in crippling agony and paralysed down his right side.

“The surgeon was chatting with one of the nurses, and she mentioned my smash hit ‘hip to be square’. I saw a smile cross his face, but I thought nothing more of it”, explained Lewis. “When I woke up after the op, all the staff were giggling as they showed me a replica of the square hip joint they’d fitted.”

Lewis was appalled. “I tried to move, but the pain from my right hip was excrutiating. I could feel the point of the metal cube grinding against my pelvis.” Lewis had barely moved when the edge of the block began to saw through the sciatic nerve: “I blacked out. I don’t know how long I was out for, but I woke up laying in a pool of liquid on the floor.”
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