Tag Archives: peace

North Korea reports Renee Zellweger looks different ‘because she’s dead’

Pyongyang suspected of photoshopping Zellweger's obituary.

Pyongyang suspected of photoshopping Zellweger’s obituary.

North Korea’s news agency is regretting using Google Translate, after it put Renee Zellweger’s new look down to her recent demise.

“I look like this because I’m finally at peace”, Zellweger told a Hollywood awards ceremony. Minutes later, a candle-lit vigil began in Pyongyang.

A spokesman for Kim Jong-un explained that the supreme leader felt an affinity with Zellweger. The dictator has also experienced rapid weight gain in his past, coupled with a powerful attraction to Hugh Grant that ultimately ended in rejection and recrimination.

“Zellweger will be best remembered for her voice work in Monsters V Aliens, a film about the oppression of the people by an evil US government”, said Jong-un in a statement from his recently no-longer-dead uncle. “Although over here, her character was of course voiced by someone else.”

“And just like Ms Zellweger, I also look like this because I’m dead”, said Jong-un’s statement. “You still love me, even though I’ve done a lot of cheese.”


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Further furrowing of brows between rival gangs of pacifists


The negative vibes were too much for some.

Following last night’s confrontation between the Love ‘n’ Peace Gang from Chiggley Moor Lane West and the Buddhist Boys of Chiggley Moor Lane East, more outbreaks of bad vibes and tutting incidents have been reported in nearby areas of Harold today.

Last night’s face-to-face occurred at the Chiggley Moor Lane Central mini-roundabout in a dispute over territorial boundaries, resulting in slightly raised voices and someone saying ‘well, poo to you, then’ before they went their ways, hushing and whispering.

But the situation escalated today when a mob of Make Tea Not War Warriors set up camp on the corner of Chapel Street, provokingly close to the headquarters of the Flower Power Division of the League of Hippies.  ‘Looks like heading for an exchange of frowns for an hour or two,’ tweeted nearby resident Melanie Delaney, soon followed by the ominous update ‘Both sides unrolling yoga mats.’

There followed a battle of minds as both teams first tried to out-meditate the other.  The Make Tea warriors then put on a nicely-choreographed display of basic T’ai Chi positions before the Hippies retaliated by pulling out a folk guitar and launching an endless whining protest song from the sixties.  By the 14th chorus, the Warriors had had enough and disappeared to put the kettle on.

‘They’re a blooming nuisance, these peace gangs,’ said local pensioner Tom Stalling.  ‘They come anywhere near me with leaflets, I’m turning my hearing aid off.’

Home Secretary Theresa May has promised a full crackdown on extremist gangs of fundamental neo-pacifists with the launch of Operation Softly Softly Mr Softy.  ‘Officers from the Met are being specially trained in the use of throat singing,’ she told the House, ‘and will soon be ready to move in, armed with Rescue Remedy Spray, patchouli oil and their own version of a neck massage.’

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Cameron and Putin call for Syrian peace with straight faces.

Leaders praised for either having the world's best poker faces, or possessing no sense of irony

Leaders praised for either having the world’s best poker faces, or possessing no sense of irony

British Prime Minister, David Cameron and Russian President, Vladimir Putin have said although a meeting between the pair may have highlighted the ‘huge difference’ between their approaches to Syria, they both shared the same goal of ‘ending the killing’ in the country.

Mr Cameron, who was one of the loudest voices for ending the arms embargo on Syria, told the joint press conference that the situation could only be resolved through political and diplomatic means.

This was a view shared by his Russian counterpart. Mr Putin, who has armed the Syrian government with advance anti-aircraft missiles, believes getting all parties around the negotiating table was important. However the Russian did say that both the Syrian rebels and government force had ‘blood on their hands’, which may open the door for some lucrative cleaning product contracts. Continue reading

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