Cumberbatch’s Hamlet first night: Player ratings

the danish game

It was a play of two halves.

For those of you unable to make the long awaited opening night performance and unable to view it on You Tube thanks to a rather unreasonable ban on mobile filming, our Arts Correspondent Mariella Buss-Stop puts down her pint and casts her eyes over the cast’s performance at Elsinore last night.

From their hissed greeting at the appearance of old King Hamlet’s ghost to the mass weeping hysteria when the great one dies, the pubescent Cumberbitches’ in the audience made their presence felt last night at the Barbican. It could take days to mop up.

Here are my ratings for the players:           

  • Hamlet:  Lacked killer instinct for much of the play, continually fluffing opportunities. Finally showed his class when nailing Polonius behind the arras. Tall, weird and oddly attractive to girls. 8
  • Watson: Bit of a surprise appearance, but linked up well with the leading man. 7
  • Ophelia: Out of her depth. Didn’t make the second half after mysterious offstage drowning incident in team bath. Cumberbitch conspiracy? 6
  • Macbeth: Looked frankly lost, out of place on this stage. 1
  • Laertes: Playing up front with Hamlet turned out to be a poisoned chalice. 7
  • Rosencrantz & Guildenstern: Characterless performance from this centre back partnership. Rumours suggest that they will be transferred to Stoppard Rovers before long. 4 & 4.5
  • Claudius: Appears to have lost his Roman stammer since his last stage appearance. 4
  • 2B: Biggest audience roar of the evening came from Class 2B at the beginning of Act 3. 9
  • Moriarty: Literally stole the show. The Barbican is hoping he will return it by tonight. 12
  • Fortenbras: Late 89th minute substitution for Moriarty.  5

In conclusion, the Bard may have said “All the world is a pitch”, but this team need to pack their midfield with more commitment otherwise they face certain Eurpoean defeat in the next round against Madame Butterfly at La Scala.

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