Tag Archives: Chilcot

Blair to hide from any war criminal charges in the Shard

“Look into my eyes, look into my eyes, the eyes, the eyes, not around the eyes, don’t look around my eyes, look into my eyes, you’re at war.”

Tony “I think most people who have dealt with me, think I’m a pretty straight sort of guy, and I am” Blair has found the perfect spot to go to ground as the chances of him being prosecuted for leading the UK into the Iraq War increase: the vast empty wastes of the Shard. Continue reading

Comments Off on Blair to hide from any war criminal charges in the Shard

Filed under News

Chilcot promises delivery of rapid anti-terrorist brigade by 2025 …… or thereabouts

ChilcotIn a move hardly likely to leave Jihadist terrorist squads quaking in their suicide belts, David Cameron has put the  tortoise-like Sir John Chilcot in charge of the rollout of the so called rapid deployment brigades which would be equipped to react immediately to Parisian style attacks.

Although Chilcot, whose report into the ill-fated Gallipoli campaign is keenly expected any day, was believed to be comatose, his press spokesman said that Sir John would be delighted at the news and would get things underway ‘as soon as possible’, but certainly within five years once he had been able to have a nice chat with Tony Blair. Continue reading

Comments Off on Chilcot promises delivery of rapid anti-terrorist brigade by 2025 …… or thereabouts

Filed under Defence, Politics

Blair to be thrown from yacht and drowned under ‘Maxwellisation’ process


Where’s Tony?

The ‘Maxwellisation’ process which has delayed the Chilcot Iraq War enquiry will mainly involve throwing former Prime Minister Tony Blair from a yacht, it emerged today.

The process, named after the practical measures taken in disposing of evil megalomaniac Robert Maxwell, involves the ‘accidental’ drowning and/or disappearance at sea of a person too unpleasant to deal with in any other way.

Blair’s reluctance to be weighted down and hurled into the ocean is believed to be one reason behind the extreme delay in finishing the enquiry.

“People are blaming me,” explained enquiry chief Sir John Chilcot, “But they don’t realise the time it takes to persuade a man like Blair that everyone would be better off if he was just tied up and dropped into a large body of water. I’m doing my best.”

At first it was hoped that the former Prime Minister would consent to being strapped to a pile of bricks and dropped into the North Atlantic, but after negotiation with his advisers this punishment was reduced to being gently pushed into the warmer waters five miles off Antibes in the Mediterranean.

Hopes that Blair could be weighed down with the broken dreams of a million dead Iraqis were deemed to be more poetic than practical.

Comments Off on Blair to be thrown from yacht and drowned under ‘Maxwellisation’ process

Filed under News

Chilcot realises he’s been enquiring into wrong Gulf War


Bugger. Bugger, bugger, bugger.

Hopes of an imminent release of Sir John Chilcot’s Gulf War enquiry were dashed today, after it emerged that Chilcot has been mistakenly examining the causes of the first Gulf War, not the second.

The first Gulf War ran from 1990-91, and started when Saddam Hussein invaded Kuwait. John Major was the British Prime minister when the anti-Iraq coalition started its bombing campaign, and there has never been any suggestion that this was anything other than a perfectly legal response to an act of aggression, and certainly not the sort of bloodthirsty murder that certain other Prime Ministers might get you into.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Chilcot realises he’s been enquiring into wrong Gulf War

Filed under Crime, Nostalgia, Tony Blair, War

Vote Corbyn and you’ll summon Cthulhu warns Alastair Campbell


Cthulu: currently dormant and dreaming of reducing our sanity to ashes, and renationalising the railways

Former spin doctor Alastair Campbell has warned that voting for Jeremy Corbyn would be a “car crash, and more” for both Labour and the nation as a whole. Specifying that the “more” part would definitely involve the rise of Cthulu, the monstrous entity whose existence is beyond mortal comprehension and whose rise from the stone city of R’lyeh will usher in an era of madness that will destroy our minds along with  civilisation itself. Continue reading


Filed under Politics

Tony Blair hanging delayed until May

tmp_21573-hang bord_201501211033523321255429072

A show trial could restore the public’s confidence in politicians.

The postponing of an irrelevant report about notorious murderer Tony Blair has delayed his hanging until May.

With the rope already ordered and a gibbet in Westminster booked for the bank holiday, the act of justice will take place shortly after the general election.

“The Chilcot Enquiry was set up to see just how guilty this psychotic warmonger is”, said a spokesman for the Home Office.

“But so far, the author hasn’t found the words. ‘Very’ doesn’t cut it all, and neither does ‘really, really properly’. Hopefully by April, he’ll have come up with something along the lines of ‘as f**k’.”

It’s expected that certain information will be redacted from the report, such as Tony Blair’s name, some key dates and all the facts. Continue reading

Comments Off on Tony Blair hanging delayed until May

Filed under Crime, Election 2015, Politics