Tag Archives: guilty

Thomas Cook finally apologise: ‘we’re sorry for our loss’


Lest we forget.

Thomas Cook has at last expressed remorse over the death of two children, and the devastating effect it’s had on their profits.

Despite a £3 million payout from the hotel to try and bring them some closure, the travel agent is still trying to come to terms with a 20% drop in bookings.

“It seems incredible that in this day and age, a faulty boiler can cause such appalling sorrow”, said chief executive Peter Fankhauser.

“You’d think someone in a position of responsibility would have checked it, although I now realise that wasn’t the parents’ job. Particularly as we didn’t check they were CORGI registered.”
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Filed under Business, Crime

Tony Blair hanging delayed until May

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A show trial could restore the public’s confidence in politicians.

The postponing of an irrelevant report about notorious murderer Tony Blair has delayed his hanging until May.

With the rope already ordered and a gibbet in Westminster booked for the bank holiday, the act of justice will take place shortly after the general election.

“The Chilcot Enquiry was set up to see just how guilty this psychotic warmonger is”, said a spokesman for the Home Office.

“But so far, the author hasn’t found the words. ‘Very’ doesn’t cut it all, and neither does ‘really, really properly’. Hopefully by April, he’ll have come up with something along the lines of ‘as f**k’.”

It’s expected that certain information will be redacted from the report, such as Tony Blair’s name, some key dates and all the facts. Continue reading

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Filed under Crime, Election 2015, Politics

Oscar Pistorius makes ‘huge strides’ in bringing equality to monstrous crimes


Even realistic woman-shaped crutches failed to sway the jury.

Oscar Pistorius has been hailed by the Equalities Commission for smashing the last taboo for disabled people.

After sort-of-standing trial for a crime typically associated with the able bodied, Pistorius has shown the world that the disadvantaged are just as capable of evil as the next man.

“This is a huge step forward in recognising that having a disability doesn’t exclude anyone for acting like a prick”, said commissioner Margaret Long. “You don’t have to have a full complement of limbs to shoot down a loved one in cold blood, and being differently abled no longer means cynically playing the victim card will definitely get you off. It may reduce the charge, but it won’t get you off.”

Before Pistorius stepped up to the mark and pretended to shoot a burglar, homicide had been considered by many to be the preserve of ‘normal’ people. “But the physically disabled can be mentals too, you don’t need toes to fire a gun”, revealed Long.
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Filed under Crime, Society

More victims of Stylophone come forward


A sickening monster, and Rolf Harris (also a sickening monster).

Disgraced keyboard ‘The Stylophone’ could face further charges, after it was convicted this week of historic music offences.

With its clean-cut styling and friendly vibrato control, few suspected the racket it was capable of.

“I always trusted Stylophone, even though the older kids said keyboards sometimes dabbled in prog rock”, said Harold resident Dave Evans.
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Filed under Around Harold, Crime, music

Coulson offered job as Tory ‘prisons advisor’.

David Cameron has announced that with immediate effect he will be making Andy Coulson the Conservative’s prison advisor. Andy Coulson was advised of his new role through his lawyers voicemail.

“As with all advisory roles, I like to have someone on the inside,” Mr Cameron told reporters.
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Filed under breaking news, News, Politics

Max Clifford guilty: The little cock will now write a book


With Max Clifford being found guilty on several counts of indecent assault, the main star of the trial, his small penis, has said it will write a book about it’s experiences and go on a book signing tour.

“Having a little cock attached to you is hard to live with, especially when that cock is Max,” Little Clifford said outside court.

The size of Clifford’s penis size was called into question during the trial, with it being described as ‘very small’.
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Filed under breaking news, Crime, Culture, News

Lib Dems seek ‘middle way’ between guilty and innocent


Lord Rennard relaxing inside a swan’s bottom

Nick Clegg is considering a radical overhaul of the legal system, to create a compromise somewhere between guilty and innocent.

‘The third way’ will be trialled on the completely innocent sex peer Lord Rennard, who may not have done anything wrong but should still be forced to apologise.

“Sometimes, the extremes of ‘guilty’ and ‘not guilty’ can be far too judgmental”, said Clegg. “And choosing one or the other can leave the defendant or prosecutor feeling a bit dis-empowered.”

“Isn’t it better to leave both parties equally disgruntled and confused? Shouldn’t justice be a ‘no score draw’? Of course it should, that’s the Liberal Democrat way.”
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Filed under Law and Order, Politics, Sex