Tag Archives: Lord Rennard

by | August 20, 2014 · 7:00 am

Sex pests welcome in new inclusive Lib Dems

lord_R

We’re desperate – we’ll take anyone…

In a desperate attempt to counter falling membership levels, the Liberal Democrats have loosened their membership rules to welcome sexual predators into the party.

One member, known only as “Lord R”, had his membership suspended after incidents of “inadvertently” “encroaching” upon the “personal space” of women in the “party”, but has since apologised, which makes everything OK.

Party leader Nick Clegg said the Liberal Democrats had been forced to take a “long, hard look in the mirror” since these allegations were made last year, omitting to mention that the mirror in question was fastened to the toecap of Lord R’s right boot, and used primarily while standing behind females on escalators. Continue reading →

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by | January 31, 2014 · 11:00 am

Nick Clegg calls for Amanda Knox to apologise

knox

Clegg warned Knox that she could face the naughty step.

Amanda Knox was convicted by Italian courts of murdering Meredith Kercher for a second time, but is expected to appeal. Nick Clegg thinks that while Knox’s innocence or guilt is still in the balance, it would be better for everyone if she said sorry and avoided holidaying in Rome.

“The trouble with the law is that one person says one thing and then another says something else”, explained Clegg. “And before long, it gets really confusing and someone has to explain it to me.”

“But as I say to my kids when I hear them arguing upstairs: just say sorry, and then we can all forget about it.”

Amanda Knox had her initial conviction for murder overturned in 2011, but this overturn was overturned in March 2013. “See what I mean? You can waste hours trying to reach some form of justice. Come on luv, just look sad and move on.”
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by | January 26, 2014 · 9:05 am

Lib Dem perverts: ‘still plenty in stock’

nickclegg

Right, now for my ‘shocked’ and ‘concerned’ face. What do you think?

Lib Dem Party leaders have denied  persistent rumours in the Westminster Village that they have  a rogue  MP who is not a serial groper.

Nick Clegg asserts he was quick to respond. “As soon as I heard of these appalling allegations against a backbench MP, I paused to reflect for about three years and then acted immediately. How did I act? Well, I acted ‘shocked’, with eyebrows raised, like this …and acted ‘concerned’, with a frown, like this. It’s not an easy look. Go on, you try it. See?” Continue reading →

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by | January 20, 2014 · 11:00 am

Lib Dems seek ‘middle way’ between guilty and innocent

rennard

Lord Rennard relaxing inside a swan’s bottom

Nick Clegg is considering a radical overhaul of the legal system, to create a compromise somewhere between guilty and innocent.

‘The third way’ will be trialled on the completely innocent sex peer Lord Rennard, who may not have done anything wrong but should still be forced to apologise.

“Sometimes, the extremes of ‘guilty’ and ‘not guilty’ can be far too judgmental”, said Clegg. “And choosing one or the other can leave the defendant or prosecutor feeling a bit dis-empowered.”

“Isn’t it better to leave both parties equally disgruntled and confused? Shouldn’t justice be a ‘no score draw’? Of course it should, that’s the Liberal Democrat way.”
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