Lib Dem Party leaders have denied persistent rumours in the Westminster Village that they have a rogue MP who is not a serial groper.
Nick Clegg asserts he was quick to respond. “As soon as I heard of these appalling allegations against a backbench MP, I paused to reflect for about three years and then acted immediately. How did I act? Well, I acted ‘shocked’, with eyebrows raised, like this …and acted ‘concerned’, with a frown, like this. It’s not an easy look. Go on, you try it. See?”
Harold’s Dave Cummerbund is a fellow Lib Dem local councillor and close friend of the M.P. concerned. “I must have known Spencer Chadwick for well over 30 years” explained Cummerbund “and I can vouch 100% for his solid Liberal principles. We boarded together at Stowe school and were both enormously impressed by how the Liberals handled sex-allegations about its leader Jeremy Thorpe. We joined up when we were still fresh-faced pre-pubescent schoolboys and I must say we were welcomed with open arms by the older members. Some of them even kept their flies done up”.
A leading QC’s report into claims of sexual unresponsiveness by the M.P. had been presented to Harold Council some time ago, then buried under a reinforced concrete patio behind the Town Hall. A redacted version of the report, reading “Introduction to report … Appendices … Index … The end.” had already been leaked but now the High Court has said it should be made available in full.
The Deputy Prime Minister responded to that ruling shortly afterwards. “You only need to react to allegations that are just about to be put to you in public by journalists. The first time I learned the press would be all over this story like a rash was barely a couple of days ago. Coincidentally, it was just a few hours later that I announced an internal enquiry. The enquiry team should report to any remaining Lib Dem MPs, shortly after the General Election in 2015”.
In the meantime, Nick Clegg will start hosting confessions for high-profile members in a soundproof box. “It’ll be similar to my LBC radio phone-in” says Clegg “except that with this they’ll be no-one listening inside the box either. Better safe than sorry. Though, now I come to think of it, maybe they should apologise, even if they’ve done nothing wrong, just to make it watertight. We might even add an apology to our manifesto”.