“Like all leaders, Farage wants to be seen as a strong, virile leader” said political scientist Jacob Heather. “But ‘downstairs’ he just doesn’t stack up. I think Farage thinks a Magnum 44 in his pocket would make all the difference.”
A straw poll of eligible voters shows that Farage’s unusually small member hasn’t gone unnoticed.
Harold shopkeeper Julie Kettle said she initially thought of voting for UKIP because she had a bad experience with an Indian curry, but she had nagging doubts: “Then I realised Nigel’s cheesy smile and slick haircut was just a smokescreen to take attention off his not so bulging man-bits.”
Pensioner Elsie Duggan, aged 84, said her eyes weren’t what they used to be, but she could tell that Farage had something to hide, and that it was very easy to hide.
A flustered Farage said the idea he supported making guns legal just so he could stick one in his pocket was ridiculous.
“I don’t care what people are saying, I’ve got nothing to hide. Uh, I mean I have got something to hide. A quite big thing to hide. Look when I get into bed with the Tories I’ll hold my own. Um, I don’t mean I’ll actually hold it … oh sod it.”