Can he fix it? No, he can’t
Nick Clegg has cancelled an order for 500 business cards advertising his skills as a low-level bodger, after being declared the leader of a ‘major political party’.
“This is brilliant news,” said Clegg from his caravan in the gardens of Number 10. “I didn’t know anyone was listening to me, other than that lady who I quoted for painting her fence, some time after April.”
The move means Clegg will be allowed to appear in a series of TV debates. “It’s vital for putting my point across’,” he declared.
“No job too small, references available. White washing a speciality. Should I mention I do removals? How far away is Chipping Norton?”
He’s not the Messiah, he’s a very spineless boy
After last Sunday’s sell-out success by Monty Python, the Liberal Democrats have announced that before they get annihilated in the general election they too are going to say goodbye to fans with a show at the O₂.
“Critics are saying that it will be embarrassing and that we are simply not up to performing at this level,” said Nick Clegg at a press conference today. “But we intend to put on a hell of a show. Vince Cable is practising his dancing, and Danny Alexander can’t wait to drag-up as an hugely unconvincing member of the Cabinet and talk nonsense in a stupid voice once again.” Continue reading
Right, now for my ‘shocked’ and ‘concerned’ face. What do you think?
Lib Dem Party leaders have denied persistent rumours in the Westminster Village that they have a rogue MP who is not a serial groper.
Nick Clegg asserts he was quick to respond. “As soon as I heard of these appalling allegations against a backbench MP, I paused to reflect for about three years and then acted immediately. How did I act? Well, I acted ‘shocked’, with eyebrows raised, like this …and acted ‘concerned’, with a frown, like this. It’s not an easy look. Go on, you try it. See?” Continue reading
The audience for his Q&A session far exceeded expectations
Filed under News, Politics
The world was a better place when men’s casual meant a slightly less restrictive waistcoat ; not flaunting your moobs in the faces of the unwary.
Nick Clegg raised eyebrows during a speech last night when he confessed that he likes to dress up as William Gladstone – the towering political figure who served as a Liberal Prime Minister four times including two years during which he was simultaneously Prime Minister and Chancellor of the Exchequer.
“It’s not a sex thing,’ Clegg told a bemused audience of cycling proficiency instructors. “It just makes me feel safe. When I dress as Gladstone I feel that I look right that it’s the real me.” Continue reading