Tag Archives: Knob

Kanye West ‘delighted’ he has new constellation too

kanyestars2Following the announcement that he is going to soil David Bowie’s legacy by recording a rubbish tribute album, Kanye West has also insisted that he too should get a new constellation in his honour.

Scientists recently announced a new lightning bolt-shaped constellation has been registered as a memorial to Bowie, and Kanye immediately called for his own stellar tribute.

The same team of astronomers were quick to announce the new “Kanye Constellation” in the stars of Ursa Major, which has been informally named “The Knob”.

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Filed under music, Space

Knob-tossing competition thrills bank holiday innuendo lovers


Oh, what a beauty.

Scores of local athletes spent their bank holiday taking part in Harold village’s famous tossing competition. The old Harold contest involves participants tossing the locally-grown knob of Mayor Rufus D. Jackson as hard as possible.

The tradition goes back many years, but historians believe it was invented by Mayor Jackson himself, during a dry spell. This year’s winner, Norman Bunting, produced a record-breaking toss, the results easily clearing the cricket pavilion roof.

‘Hard crusted’

Women’s Institute President and toss organsiser Marjorie Houndstooth explained the rules of the competition: “The knob must be tossed underarm with a firm grip, and at least one of Mayor Jackson’s feet must remain on the ground at all times.”

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Filed under Around Harold, DNA, Sport

Anti-smoking lobby mourns death of ‘God Hates Fags’ parson


Should have given up long ago…

The anti-smoking lobby is today mourning the death of one of its most tireless and misunderstood campaigners, Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps, who for decades picketed military funerals with large signs warning of the dangers of cigarettes.

Brought up originally in London’s East End before moving to Kansas, Phelps’ slogan ‘God Hates Fags’ was tragically never really  appreciated by the American public.

Waving large colourful signs, Phelps would attend funerals desperately trying to explain that servicemen would stand a far better chance of survival in modern war zones if they could only give up cigarettes and improve fitness levels.

“It’s a tragedy that he never seemed to get his message across,” lamented Aaron Bryce, chairman of the ‘We Hate Benders’ society, founded to protest against the popular brand of chewing tobacco invented by Michael Bender.

“The idea that he was some kind of anti-gay bigot is just a terrible misunderstanding,” explained Bryce. “You couldn’t meet a friendlier man. We were members of the same chicken-breeding club, and many’s the night we’d stay up rubbing our cocks together into the small hours. Then he’d usually give me one.”

Filmmaker Louis Theroux, who documented Phelps’ demonstrations, admitted he had been completely wrong about the pastor. “I’m a pretty good judge of character,” he confessed, “But when I saw all the posters and stuff, I just leapt to the conclusion that the man was a rabid homophobe, devoid of the slightest trace of love or compassion, cruelly taunting the families of dead soldiers.”

“I should have realised no-one could be that much of an arsehole.”

Phelps was buried in a simple coffin befitting his modest life, the wood bare of decoration other than a massive slogan ‘HATING GAYS GIVES YOU CANCER’, with a headstone bearing an enormous photograph of a gnarled and blackened heart.

His own.

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Filed under breaking news, Health, Religion

Richard Littlejohn reveals his secret life as a tattooed single mother


Tired of living a lie

In a tearful confession to journalists at his Florida mansion, Daily Mail columnist Richard Littlejohn has finally admitted that he is actually a single mother of two, named Tracy.

Littlejohn’s femaleness has been an open secret for years among Fleet Street insiders, but the reading public might be surprised, given his outspoken views on everyone else.

Arm in arm with life partner Janet, Richard ‘Tracy’ Littlejohn revealed that his brash, unpleasant journalist persona was merely “a facade to get paid work”, and explained to crowds of sympathetic reporters how things had gone too far:
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Filed under Food, Lifestyle