Tag Archives: Wayne Rooney

by | May 31, 2016 · 1:48 pm

Final list of scapegoats for England’s Euro 2016 failure announced

hodgson

Hodgson has been practicing this expression for after every match

Roy Hodgson has confirmed the squad of players with whom he will share the blame for another crushing defeat at the national game.

As expected, Wayne Rooney remains as Captain and role model for the younger players “I was an exciting prospect myself ten years ago” said Mr Potato Head “but I learned to cut out the clever stuff and play the traditional England way.” He says the squad have watched Rugby Union videos to help embed the principles of passing backwards. Continue reading →

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by | January 27, 2016 · 9:06 am

Wayne Rooney sues over £750,000 potato photo

waynepotato

Can’t see the resemblance, myself

Legal representatives of football ace Wayne Rooney have contacted the photographer who recently sold a picture of a potato, demanding that he immediately cease from “ridiculing his client”.

The photograph, which shows a roughly head-shaped potato lightly caked in soil, sold for £750,000 when it was spotted in a London gallery by a rich idiot.

“This is clearly an attempt to ridicule my client,” insisted a spokesman for Rooney.

“It is well-known that certain unpleasant, misguided people have in the past compared Wayne to a potato, and this is just the latest example of this cruel trend.”

“The juxtaposition of vast over-valuation with the muddy root vegetable is hardly subtle, and we think the photographer should be ashamed of himself.”

Photographer Kevin Abosch seemed bemused speaking to journalists this morning.

“It’s a potato,” he muttered, shaking his head. “I have no idea what they are talking about.”

Reporters then showed him a picture of Wayne Rooney.

“Oh my God,” he explained.

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by | November 17, 2015 · 3:15 pm

Corbyn opposes ‘shoot on sight’ policy for England football team

rooneyJeremy Corbyn has appealed to Wayne Rooney not to shoot on sight this evening but to attempt to coax the ball in with reason and dialogue first.

Corbyn favours peaceful resolution of international disputes, whether in Northern Ireland, the Middle East, or the dreary north-London suburb of Wembley.

Arbitrary time limits don’t help though, he said.”To build trust takes much longer than 90 minutes, and both of the teams and the innocent ball should be prepared to stay on until the weekend, maybe longer.”

“A well-known technique in the process is the use of various trust games.” explained the 2015 Labour leader. “One participant might, say, guide a blindfolded colleague round an obstacle course; so, very useful for Joe Hart.”

Corbyn outlined how other exercises can then move things on to a higher level. “Team-building exercises are especially helpful and might involve, say, building a log raft or engaging in some form of co-operative sport. Possibly volleyball or football”.

 

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by | September 8, 2015 · 8:47 pm

Rooney ‘still hungry’ after eating Wembley goal posts

rooneyWayne Rooney has admitted he may have been confused by the publicity about his appetite for goals after footage emerged of him eating Wembley’s goal posts ahead of tonight’s qualifier against Switzerland.

ITV cameramen were checking their monitors when they saw the veteran England captain run onto the pitch, pull up the goal posts and eat them.

“The posts themselves went in,” said the ITV, “complete with nets and webcams. We got excellent footage of them passing through Rooney’s digestive tract, thanks to their long battery life, waterproof casings and a good wi-fi signal.”

Panic set in among officials when they discovered that Rooney had also cleaned out the Wembley stockroom.
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by | June 25, 2014 · 10:49 am

English football team fail to clear Customs

English team BrazilThe English football team’s quest to return home from Brazil is in tatters after the team failed to clear Customs.

Pre-flight expectations were high with most fans expecting England to progress to the prestigious immigration queue stage, and some dared to dream the team would board the flight and make it all the way home.

But the Customs fiasco had the press and fans question whether England can actually compete with the best on the international travel stage.
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by | June 2, 2014 · 6:00 am

England fans despair as team vows ‘we’ll meet all expectations’

despondency

“And then, after the penalties, I usually slump my shoulders like this”

At a press briefing at Luton Airport on Sunday, Roy Hodgson confirmed younger England players are being taken to the World Cup primarily to get used to losing.

”Some have lost with their clubs at home and at European level: now they must do so on the World stage if they want to earn a long-term England place.”

Sadly, others are still hungry for success “You can see it in their eyes: they positively radiate passion, belief and hope. And it’s my job, together with Stevie [team captain, Gerrard], to snuff that out.” Continue reading →

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by | January 9, 2014 · 11:00 am

Football introduce January transplant window

QPR buy a safe pair of hands for Robert Green

QPR buy a safe pair of hands for Robert Green

The English Football Association and English Premier League have bowed to pressure from clubs and introduced a January transplant window. The move will help both smaller clubs who struggle to afford a whole player in today’s overheated market, and the marquee clubs who want to improve a star player’s weak spot.

The first few days of the new transplant window has seen numerous deals.

As expected, Premier League aspirants Queens Park Rangers have gone to the market for a safe pair of hands for Robert Green, and Peter Schmeichel’s large mitts have been secured for a 7 figure sum. Robert Green welcomed the news of the record transplant saying: “It won’t change me one bit, well apart from the fact that I’ll now be able to catch the ball of course.”
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by | November 20, 2013 · 7:00 am

Potato found in field near Harold

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Potato ‘undressed me with his eyes’ claimed Jane Fondant.

There was much excitement in Harold today following local tramp John Horse’s lucky find of a solitary late-season King Edward in a field on the outskirts of the village.

“We had a long chat about the England back four,” said Horse, “and shared a couple of jokes about Rio Ferdinand before I realised I was dealing with an organism with far more intelligence than any English footballer.  So I popped ’im in me pocket.”

Horse successfully fought off an imaginary mob of ‘bastard thieving scavengers’ clearly intent on snatching the precious vegetable from his grasp as he made his way along the central reservation of Chiggley Moor Lane, finally reaching the sanctuary of the Squirrel Licker’s Arms.
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by | August 19, 2013 · 7:00 am

Football haters have strong start to the season: all clichés make successful appearances

Warning: this is what happens to your face if you can't talk about football without using the phrase 'bread and circuses'.

Warning: this is what happens to your face  permanently if you can’t talk about football without using the phrase ‘bread and circuses’.

Football haters got their season off to a strong start this weekend with all the main clichés being given a successful airing.

“I had done some pre-season training,” said local absolutely-not-a-football-fan Alex Gates. “Over the last few weeks if anyone’s mentioned football within earshot I’ve immediately inserted myself into the conversation and said ‘what it’s starting again already? But it’s only just finished’ accompanying that with a wry chuckle as if gently amused by the stupidity of everyone who isn’t me. This weekend I saw the benefits and was able to pull off the comment ‘it’s just a load of blokes kicking a ball around’ in a packed bar with the wry chuckle and a sneer of disdain. So I’m pleased with my performance so far.” Continue reading →

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Picture Exclusive: Klay Rooney gives Wayne and Coleen their first sleepless night

Baby Klay is the spitting image of his father, with slightly drier skin

Baby Klay is the spitting image of his father, with slightly drier skin

If you like it, we’d love you to share it.

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by | May 21, 2013 · 9:45 am