Warning: this is what happens to your face permanently if you can’t talk about football without using the phrase ‘bread and circuses’.
Football haters got their season off to a strong start this weekend with all the main clichés being given a successful airing.
“I had done some pre-season training,” said local absolutely-not-a-football-fan Alex Gates. “Over the last few weeks if anyone’s mentioned football within earshot I’ve immediately inserted myself into the conversation and said ‘what it’s starting again already? But it’s only just finished’ accompanying that with a wry chuckle as if gently amused by the stupidity of everyone who isn’t me. This weekend I saw the benefits and was able to pull off the comment ‘it’s just a load of blokes kicking a ball around’ in a packed bar with the wry chuckle and a sneer of disdain. So I’m pleased with my performance so far.”
“The thing not many people realise about football is that statistically speaking it’s actually very unpopular,” claimed regular non-watcher of matches Jane Hough. “Far more people go to the theatre.”
Ms Hough told us that she is very proud of this statistic and will be updating it regularly between now and the final day of the Championship until she has a comprehensive list of things that football is less well attended than to trot out whenever she feels the need to ruin a lively discussion about sport.
“Footballers are overpaid morons, see?” said Gwinfor Trevellis, druid and sneerer at the beautiful game. “Not one G.C.S.E between the lot of them. What’s the point of giving someone like Wayne Rooney tens of millions of pounds – he probably tries to eat it. I was so glad he played this weekend because it meant I got to put that on Facebook and be witty and up-to-date.”
“On Saturday I took the softly-softly approach to hating football,” shunner of all things popular Melissa Barker told us. “I waited until my Tony was really into the match then I started giggling and saying that if the players want to get all sweaty chasing other men then why don’t they just go to a gay club? Think I’ll use the same tactics next week when we’ve got friends round.”
The haters have told us that while it is early days they are confident of maintaining a strong performance throughout the domestic season and keeping the momentum going during the World Cup when they will complain endlessly about the misuse of the word heroes.
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