BBC ‘could not have foreseen Child Catcher would catch children’

Now then young man you see oh fuck it I’m a disgusting paedophile

An independent report into the infamous Child Catcher has concluded that there was no possible way that anyone could have realised that a man with a huge net and bag of sweeties was trying to catch children.

Following years of complaints that local children had been caught and disposed of, the Vulgarian Television Corporation finally announced an inquiry into the seedy doings of one of the country’s most-loved blatant nonces.

“We were as amazed as anyone that this leering, salivating figure with the huge child-shaped net and the dildo cigar could be in any way a danger to children,” explained  Rona Bomburst, the Chairperson of the Vulgarian Television Trust.

“Despite the fact that the Kingdom of Vulgaria has been mysteriously bereft of children for at least fifty years, it never occurred to us that anything was a problem.”

The Vulgarian Television Corporation has pledged to establish a robust series of checks to prevent this sort of thing from ever happening again, and to prove its seriousness has appointed a new audit function headed up by none other than celebrated popular artist Rolf Harris.

“Can you tell what it is yet?” Asked a spokesman. “It’s a fucking whitewash, that’s what it is.”