Creationist headteacher insists world moves on giant tortoise

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The Headteacher who insisted that evolution wasn’t real has given further proof of her intellectual ability by announcing that the planet Earth moves through space on the back of a giant tortoise.

Christina Blinkerson, head of a primary school in Lancashire, claimed on Twitter that evolution was just “a theory”.

Wilkinson spouted: “Evolution is not a fact. That’s why it’s called a theory! There’s more evidence that the Bible is true. I’ve read it in a book.”

As if this were not enough to disqualify her from ever being allowed to speak to schoolchildren again, she followed up by expanding on her beliefs of something she called the “Great Tortoise”, which she had read in her other book.

“It’s true!” she spluttered over social media. “A huge tortoise, carrying the Earth through the heavens! And there’s something about elephants, but I can’t remember that bit.”

The diocese who run the school issued a statement saying: “The evolution stuff might be bollocks, but we support her 100% on the tortoise thing. There are actually only a couple of books about God, but at least a dozen books about giant tortoises carrying the world – who are you going to believe?”

When asked to comment, evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins was quick to refute Blinkerson’s beliefs.

“It’s a turtle, not a tortoise FFS!” he explained to journalists this morning. “Great A’Tuin, the giant fucking turtle.”

“Ooooook?” he added sadly.

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