Samsung recalls non-exploding hand grenades


The new Samsung Note 7 phone, shortly before recall

Samsung’s military equipment division has announced an emergency recall of its latest SG-7 model hand grenade after users reported that the devices failed to explode under normal operating conditions.

After reports of phones and washing machines bursting into flames, the hand grenades are believed to be the only current Samsung product which does not explode. Users have reported holding the grenades in their hands without incurring severe burns, and no enemy soldiers have been killed by exploding shrapnel.

An English mercenary fighting in an unnamed African country expressed his disappointment that the new product failed unexpectedly.

“I was taking part in a coup against a democratically-elected President,” he explained, “When I lobbed a new Samsung grenade into a machine gun emplacement guarding the government buildings. Imagine my surprise when it suddenly didn’t explode. It just bounced off the guy’s head and rolled into the gutter – I felt a right idiot.”

“Luckily the detachable stylus came loose and speared him through the eye, causing instant death. I always wondered what it was for.”

Terry Bang, head of product development at the company, admitted it was ironic that everything Samsung makes explodes as soon as you look it, apart from the one thing which is actually meant to.

“We have issued a recall where concerned consumers can send us their hand grenades without incurring shipping costs,” he explained. “After which we will come round and blow up their house with dynamite.”

Many military users are unhappy with waiting for a new exploding grenade to arrive, and have instead taken to throwing phones at the enemy, causing unprecedented enemy casualties.

Russia has been condemned for using flights of heavy bombers to drop hundreds of Samsung washing machines on civilians in Syria, in what Amnesty is calling “a cruel yet somehow pleasingly surreal war crime.”

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