“Vicars should grow beards to reach out to hipsters”


Bishop Richard about to body-slam an invisible, clean-shaven priest

Clergy in Harold have been advised to grow beards to emphasise their commitment to hipsters, the Bishop of London has suggested.

Rt Reverend Richard Chartres said that Harold risks falling behind areas like Shoreditch, where bushy beards, lumberjack cassocks and artisanal breads at communion have helped boost church attendance. He said “the desire of the clergy in these comfortable areas of London to ‘reach out to the culture of the majority of their parishioners can only be applauded”.

When asked her views, Rev Tansy agreed that forging links with the hipster community was important, although they are “less prevalent” in Harold than in Hackney. “I think I can get a craft ale from the Squirrel Lickers to offer alongside the usual communion wine” said Rev Tansy, “and there’s an offer on doritos at Lidl, so maybe those as well as communion wafers?”

“I’m not so sure about the beard growing though. I could skip my next upper lip wax, do you think the Bishop would be happy with that?”

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