Town plunged into darkness after solar panel craze


Harold, midday today. Mayor Jackson on the left.

The English town of Harold was plunged into utter blackness today after a smooth-talking salesman persuaded the majority of inhabitants to install solar panels.

Over in the US, the wise residents of Woodland, North Carolina recently banned solar panels for this very reason, arguing that their proliferation would suck all the energy out of the sun and bring the world into constant night.

Unfortunately for the simple people of Harold, this simple scientific principle is not widely-understood in the UK, leading to a nightmare scenario where nothing grows and vampires stalk the streets.

“We feel so silly now,” admitted Harold’s Mayor Rufus D. Jackson. “It just seemed such a bloody stupid idea, the sun being sucked up by all the solar panels, I admit we thought those Americans were a bunch of idiots.”

“You’d have to be really really really really unbelievably stupid to think that. Like facebanging knobgratingly crazy. More-stupid-than-any-previous-American-and-that’s-saying-something crazy.”

“Or so we thought. But clearly, the joke’s on us. Has anyone got a candle?”

This is not the first time that supposedly superior “green” power sources have been exposed as having serious drawbacks. Australia very nearly succumbed to the threat of wind power, before former minister Joe Hockey insisted that the turbines were “ugly”. This was in fact the first time that anyone noticed what great natural beauty the country’s coal mines possessed.

There may still be hope for the tenebrous citizens of Harold, however. Respected local climate scientist Professor Monica Simon has pointed out that the town has an abundant supply of cucumbers and the like, from which a simple process of reverse-engineering will generate as much new sunlight as the town needs.

Speaking to our reporter earlier, she said: “Everybody be cool, we can use cucumbers – which of course is where the old saying comes from.”

“Cool bananas.”

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