Former Prime Minister Tony Blair has been embarrassed by the discovery of a fully-functional set of thumbscrews in his hand luggage for a flight to the US, it emerged today.
Already facing criticism for his role in enabling the torture of British citizens in Guantanamo Bay, the discovery could not have come at a worse time for Blair.
It has recently been discovered that Blair and former Foreign Minister Jack Straw instructed our embassies to send British citizens to Guantanamo, even after knowing about US torture there.
These revelations have been damaging, but no-one expected Blair to be playing such an active role in the actual torturing.
Recently released prisoners from the US camp have described a terrifying figure known only as “The Pretty Straight Guy”, who was by far the most ruthless of all the interrogators.
“He would sort of loom over you,” sobbed one former detainee, “a hooded figure, only his ears visible, shouting “UMM, YOU KNOW? UMM, YOU KNOW?” without stopping, sometimes for days.”
“He was always very charming though, I’ll give him that.”
A spokesperson for Tony Blair denied categorically any wrongdoing on the part of the former PM.
“Tony has no knowledge of any torture, he wasn’t there when it happened, and those weren’t the words he used,” he insisted.
“In fact, he has all but completely stopped torture-related activities altogether, and the large rack that has just been delivered to his London apartment is purely decorative.”
“And that stuff about Rupert Murdoch’s wife isn’t true either.”
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