Nuclear control ‘far safer with coke-snorters than Donald Trump’

UK nuclear command prepare for the night shift.

A weekend IMHO poll has revealed that most people feel relaxed about our nuclear warheads being under the control of wide-awake clear-thinking coke-snorting top-flight gamers, and that this is way preferable to President Trump having his finger on the big button.

“These guys in the submarine are best in class when it comes to video war games,” said Harold teenager Kevin Ronsson. “They’ve got hand-eye coordination like you wouldn’t believe and they’re so sharp-brained they can beat you at chess with one hand while fending off incoming with the other. Whereas Trump is more like a thick dickhead, still stuck on level 1 in Hungry Horace.”

Pianist Reg Dwight agrees. “As Leonard Cohen said Everybody knows you live forever, if you done a line or two. So it’s logical to have your nuclear defences in the hands of immortals rather than in the hands of someone who gets wiped out in round one. No, Trump will never make a pianist, not with those tiny hands. You need to be able to stretch an octave. I doubt he can manage a semitone.”

Local war veteran George Butler said “It’s a disgrace the way this government treats our brave boys at the front line. We didn’t get through two World Wars and Ikea checkout without some of mummy’s little helpers. What do they think it meant when they said ‘Keep Your Powder Dry’? They should be giving our boys a free pack every day, if you ask me. Trump, by comparison, is a complete idiot. The only hope is that when he pulls the trigger he’s checking down the barrel.”

Pensioner Doris Kettle also thinks the government are misguided about drug use. “There’s a far more serious problem with cocaine snorting in the City by these hedge fund managers,” she said. “They get off their tits, cause a major financial crash and all we do is bail them out. You don’t need compulsory drug tests in submarines, you need them in the City, save us all another dose of austerity. But even austerity isn’t as bad as having Donald Trump as President.”

Harold GP Dr Clive Evans said he just had a patient in who thought he was suffering from skunk-induced mental paralysis, trapped in a state in which time seemed to be at a total standstill. “Turned out he’d been following the Brexit negotiations,” said Dr Evans. “The symptoms are very similar. They could try some amphetamines, see if that helps. Trump? He needs to cut down on the covfefe.”


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