Local hedgehogs to fight back on bonfire night

It takes a couple of minutes to properly check a bonfire. It takes a lot longer to recover from a hedgehog shoving a rocket up your arse and then lighting it

Hedgehogs in Harold have vowed not to be the victims this weekend and will fire rockets at anyone stupid enough to light a bonfire without first checking that no hedgehogs are snoozing in it.

“We consistently top polls to find Britain’s most beloved creature – in your face badgers, you stripey no mates -” said Twitchy Pete, leader of Harold’s hedgehog community. “So it is not okay to cook us in bonfires like spiky baked potatoes and claim it was unavoidable.”

“That’s not nature taking it’s course, that’s chumpwuzzles being lazy and I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to burn and destroy my brothers and sisters.”

Local police officer PC Anita Flegg said that while she is normally opposed to vigilante justice Twitchy Pete gets “a pass” and advises that if she catches anyone burning hedgehogs she will find them guilty under the Being A Thoughtless CockWomble Act 1987 and taser them in the face.

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