It takes a couple of minutes to properly check a bonfire. It takes a lot longer to recover from a hedgehog shoving a rocket up your arse and then lighting it
Hedgehogs in Harold have vowed not to be the victims this weekend and will fire rockets at anyone stupid enough to light a bonfire without first checking that no hedgehogs are snoozing in it.
“We consistently top polls to find Britain’s most beloved creature – in your face badgers, you stripey no mates -” said Twitchy Pete, leader of Harold’s hedgehog community. “So it is not okay to cook us in bonfires like spiky baked potatoes and claim it was unavoidable.” Continue reading
China may one day put a pyrotechnician on the moon.
A row has broken out between the US and China over a Christmas Day Special Event which was meant to be a surprise for everyone on Earth at Christmas.
The diplomatic row comes after NASA spotted China’s lunar robot placing Roman Candles around the edges of craters on the moon’s surface. China has complained that NASA just wanted to spoil the surprise because they didn’t think of it.
“The US hasn’t bothered with the moon for many moons,” said Yun-Tsi Tao, head of the Chinese Space Agency. “Now, all of a sudden, just because we put a robot up there, they’re all goggle-eyed and spoiling the surprise of the Supreme Leader’s gift to the rest of humankind at Christmas, a firework display on the waning gibbous.”
There were fears that the row could escalate after NASA observed the robot flatten the US flag placed on the moon by Neil Armstrong in 1969. But the situation was defused when the robot carefully put the flag upright again, apparently of its own volition. “We thought it had a moral conscience for a minute,” said NASA, “but, no. It nailed a Catherine Wheel on the flagpole.”
NASA has said it had no idea the fireworks were meant to be a surprise, claiming that most people could see what was going on up there with the naked eye. “I mean, I was looking through a pair of home-made binoculars that my 7-year-old made from a plastic kit,” said NASA spokesman Flt Lt Denver Colorado, “and I had no trouble reading the name of the factory printed on the fireworks. Boy, they’re big rockets!”
Fire brigade never there when you need them.
The annual meeting of the Fire Safety Committee in Harold Village Hall has been adjourned early after a fire broke out in the basement. Panic set in when it became obvious that no-one at the meeting had any formal training in handling a fire extinguisher. ‘Bucket of water,’ suggested one. ‘No!’ screamed another. ‘Water makes it worse if it’s the electrics. Or is that when it’s petrol?’
The building was soon evacuated and all the attendees could do was stand by and watch as smoke began to billow out of gratings in the pavement. News came through that the fire engine dispatched from Dunstable was held up in traffic in the Chiggley Moor Lane area, but then had to turn back due to the start of strike action.
PC Anita Flegg attended the scene and began her own investigation. Two men in a delivery van had been spotted round the back of the building earlier in the day, but it was quickly confirmed that they were there on legitimate business.