The sprinkler aisle of the echoing barn you mooch around peering at tools, to avoid doing any actual DIY, will be fully stocked by October half-term.
“By Guy Fawkes night at the latest.” confirmed B&Q’s marketing director, Anna Jones today. “Probably. Definitely before you throw the hose into the shed for the winter.”
Jones says a fickle public is itself to blame for various shortages “Wellington boots? Hardly get looked at in July but by December, just after we’ve sent them back, it’s all ‘My allotment looks like the Somme, where are the boots? Boohoo.’ Too late motherf***kers, don’t mess with The Jones!”
B&Q ‘s Christmas decorations and Santa’s grottos will be up and running in early August, as usual “What I like to call ‘The glorious 12th'” says Jones, who is regularly surprised that customers fail to take up Christmas offers before the end of August.
“It was the same last year although I wasn’t on duty over August bank holiday weekend. I remember it was ruined when bloody Tescos ran out of Magnums.”