Pack of braying media leeches ‘fear for Paul Gascoigne’s health’


Gazza thought the flashing lights when he went out in the morning were to do with his drinking

Gascoigne didn’t realise his blurred vision wasn’t always due to drinking

Paparazzi have asked fans to pray for the recovery of Paul Gascoigne (48 colummn inches).

He was papped earlier this week looking hagard, belying his ability to still shift papers.

The footballing legend is being treated in hospital for a serious illness, which many people feel entitled to be informed about and then make judgements upon.

A worried jackal, Brian (300mm, f stop 5.7), spoke from the scrum outside the hospital ‘I really hope he’s not drinking that gin I gave him, at least not all of it. I bought an appartment on the Algarve thanks to Gazza, and I really owed him one.’

Concerned vampire Simon (50mm, mainly portrait work) agreed. ‘I got him to agree to an exclusive tomorrow, if he makes it through the night. But I also spoke with Geoff, a former team mate (pundit rates, less 10% for cash) who agreed I can make up some quotes for him to say, so I’m covered whatever the outcome.’

Given his condition, Gascoigne could be forgiven for not recognising the faces of those closest to him. He can barely make them out through the blur of flashes and the glint of untold lenses. Sadly, his daughter Bianca has been targetted by trolls as she attempted to comfort her dad.

‘One of them shouted ‘get out of the shot’ and had me removed by police for not wearing a press pass’, she sobbed. ‘The only way I can contact him is by leaving comments on the Daily Mail website. I get a lot of ‘thumbs down’ though: I guess their readers think they’re closer to him than I am.’

Editor Paul Dacre (£1.8m pa) explained that it can be dehumanising to witness the decline of a hero through the stark eye of a digital camera. ‘And that’s how my chaps manage to get through this. Thanks for the concern, but I need to go now: I think we’ve spotted some cellulite on Pippa Middleton’s arse.’

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