Hoofed out of the Olympics for fielding athletes with more drugs in them than the Wolf of Wall Street, Russia has said that it doesn’t care and that playing alone is “way so much cooler and more fun.”
Listlessly bouncing a tennis ball against a wall and trying to catch it one-handed Russia said that the Olympics were “rubbish” and that it didn’t want to compete against other countries because they’re all “gaylords and have fleas.” Continue reading
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He’ll just carry on for the new closing ceremony. He’s still doing the chorus to Hey Jude from last time
In a surprising move the International Olympic Committee has ordered that the London 2012 games be held again next week. To make it fair this time around Russia will be banned from competing and newly suspect countries in the doping crisis, Kenya and Ethiopia, will have to compete in their pants.
“Since the report proving that Russian athletes were higher than Marge Simpson’s hair during the games it’s only right to do the whole thing again,” said London 2012’s Simon Cowell, Sebastian Coe. “We can easily restage the Olympics because it’s not like a lot of the venues have been poorly maintained, many athletes have had their funding cut, or that there’s actually less sport played in this country than there was three years ago due to facilities being closed and sold to developers.” Continue reading
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Definitely on something.
Officials at the Harold World Dwile Flonking Association have voted unanimously for drugs.
In a competitive sports environment dominated by corruption and cheating, Dwile Flonking has struggled for media attention compared with other daft sports, such as running.
But while some expressed concerns for the safety of competitors, the committee came to the conclusion that pharmaceuticals would make dwile flonking ‘funnier’.
“Whether it’s hayfever tablets or hippy crack, you’d better be on something”, said Head of Flonking, Phil Evans. “The doctor will shine a special torch in your face and if he’s not convinced, we’ll give you something from this bag.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Sport
Fast food?
A butcher in Leeds has released a high perfomance blood sausage to celebrate the Tour de France coming to Yorkshire.
On the outside, the pud looks like any other in his shop, but it contains around 15% more blood.
“Using a technique I developed after reading Lance Armstrong’s book, I extracted a good sized cupful of blood from each of these beauties”, explained Derek Arkwright.
“This I stored in a secret fridge away from council inspectors, while the puddings recuperated behind the sneeze guard. To see them nestling there, next to the strips of decorative fake grass…you’d never know they were destined for greatness.”
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In an attempt to continue on the road to redemption, disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong has vowed to testify with ‘100% transparency and honesty’ to any doping inquiry. And to ensure he is on top evidence giving form, he will also be high as a kite.
“I want to make sure that I give these inquiries my best performance for the good of the sport” Armstrong told reporters. “To make sure I give them 100%, I have already started a programme of blood doping. It’s only fair.”
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Kate may be stripped of the ‘Royal Heir Makers’ yellow jersey
Buckingham Palace have confirmed that the Duchess of Cambridge has given birth to a baby boy. However, the validity of her labour, and subsequently the baby’s claim to be third in line to the throne have been called into question after initial indications show Kate has failed a doping test.
“We are still waiting for the results from a ‘B’ sample to come back from the lab, but we are sure she gave birth under the influence of pain killers, nitrous oxide and other ‘performance enhancing drugs’” a spokesman for the World Anti-Doping Agency told reporters.
“If the tests are confirmed, she will be stripped of the royal heir makers yellow jersey and receive a world-wide four-year ban from producing babies for any other royal family.”
The news comes just after Chris Froome became the record-breaking second successive clean winner of the Tour De France.
Kensington Palace has denied all claims of doping during the birth and promised to appeal any ban handed down from WADA.
“We are as shocked as anyone else at this result, and promise to conduct a full, internal investigation” the royal gynaecologist told us.
“We are sure she has not willingly taken any substance, but are looking into the possibility a cup of Earl Grey consumed during labour may either have been contaminated with diamorphine, or inadvertently given her an epidural.”
The Palace’s denial of deliberate doping may be questionable as witnesses in the Lindo wing say they heard a female voice scream “Stop prancing round in that f***ing pilot’s uniform and get me some f***ing drugs, NOW.”
In line with drug cheat tradition, we are expecting an easel with the very important announcement of an interview booking to be placed outside Oprah Winfrey’s house.
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You can lead a horse to munchies…
A new racecourse has been announced by a local council looking to take advantage of the recent trend in drugged up horses. The new type of racing will see the animals ‘under the influence’ competing to get to the finish line, where they will be rewarded with some ‘munchies’.
“Most races will be over a mile, but the track will be the widest in the country, allowing the horses to stagger from side to side” Joan Smith, head of ‘The Joan Smith’s Grand National’ project told us. “To ensure sure that all is fair, the jockeys will also be required to be high before taking their charge, which leaves the door open for an early return for Frankie Dettori”
The final 3 Furlongs here…
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