Go on, big fella, fuck him up
The greatest story of the Rio Olympics is unfolding outside of any contest as everyone waits for Sir Steve Redgrave, legendary Olympian, to end patronising cock-rat in cheap slacks, John Inverdale. Continue reading
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Breathless nation waits for Redgrave to off Inverdale
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Mo Farah continues campaign to win R2D2 role
A frustrated Mo Farah says he doesn’t know what more he can do to secure the role of R2D2 in the Star Wars films after once again doing his trademark ‘Mobot’ celebration.
Farah says he truly hates running, but it’s a means to an end to get his dream robot role.
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Tom Daley’s team mates strike Olympic diving Gold
Tom Daley; we would
Inspired by Tom Daley’s brilliant-bronze on Day 3, two other Team GB divers won Olympic gold last night. Neither of them are, or have at any time been related to Tom Daley.
Speaking about their win, Daley, who first shot to public prominence in the 2008 Olympics, as the youngest member of Team GB, said he was ‘delighted’ for his team mates.
Still only 22, Tom has been diving since he was just seven years old, an age when many less-talented children can’t even swim, much less jump into a pool. Continue reading
“Jeremy Corbyn turned Rio pools green,” says Guardian
*shakes fist* “Corbyyyyyyyn!”
In a blistering editorial the Guardian today claims that the only possible for reason for the swimming pools at the Rio Olympics to have turned green is because “Jeremy Corbyn’s made them all bollocks like demonstrating his unfitness to lead the Labour Party and offering further proof that he’s a massive, massive git-whistle.” Continue reading
Protests as conjoined twins win synchronised diving gold yet again
Two hearts that beat as one…
There were protests in the international diving community today after conjoined twinsTom and Dan Goodfellow-Daley won Olympic gold yet again with a perfectly-synchronised dive in Rio.
The twins, who are joined at the shoulder, thigh and buttock, rose as one off the high board before executing a perfectly simultaneous double backflip and pike, hitting the water at the exact same second.
“It seems so unfair,” complained Eddie and Geoff Rutter, an entirely separate pair of synchronised divers from the English village of Harold. “We understand that they’ve overcome great obstacles in life to get where they are today, but we feel that the being synchronised bit just isn’t as hard for them.”
“I mean, we’ve practised the timing and everything for years. We’ve developed a near-telepathic sense of oneness. And we asked if we could use a huge piece of duct tape to stick ourselves together, but they said no. So where’s the justice?”
Everyone already bored shitless by Olympics
Faster, higher, stronger, meh
Despite it not starting until next Friday most villagers are already as indifferent to the Rio Olympics as they are to the existence of Dermot O’Leary and healthy eating advice.
“I’m like ‘not now’ with the Olympics,” local aspiring WAG Melanie Delaney told us. “The world’s got some serious problems, and Boris Johnson, so can we not get that all fixed instead of pretending it’s majorly important that a skinny Italian bloke can walk fifty kilometres all arse-wiggly really, really fast?” Continue reading
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‘Olympics is pants and we didn’t want to play anyway’ says Russia
Hoofed out of the Olympics for fielding athletes with more drugs in them than the Wolf of Wall Street, Russia has said that it doesn’t care and that playing alone is “way so much cooler and more fun.”
Listlessly bouncing a tennis ball against a wall and trying to catch it one-handed Russia said that the Olympics were “rubbish” and that it didn’t want to compete against other countries because they’re all “gaylords and have fleas.” Continue reading
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Zika virus latest: Olympics moved to pub
The chill out zone in the athletes village
The IOC has bowed to pressure from the World Health Authority and agreed to move the Summer Olympics from Rio to a small pub in rural England.
“The Squirrel Lickers Arms is the best location we could find at such short notice,” said Thomas Bach, head of the International Olympic Committee. “Eddie the landlord has assured us that the garden is big enough for all the races as long as the athletes are good at doing a one-eighty every thirty paces and the ‘Kidz Indoor Funland’ has all the soft surfaces needed for gymnastics.” Continue reading
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Mawkish opening ceremonies ahoy: London Olympics to be held again without Russia to make it fair
He’ll just carry on for the new closing ceremony. He’s still doing the chorus to Hey Jude from last time
In a surprising move the International Olympic Committee has ordered that the London 2012 games be held again next week. To make it fair this time around Russia will be banned from competing and newly suspect countries in the doping crisis, Kenya and Ethiopia, will have to compete in their pants.
“Since the report proving that Russian athletes were higher than Marge Simpson’s hair during the games it’s only right to do the whole thing again,” said London 2012’s Simon Cowell, Sebastian Coe. “We can easily restage the Olympics because it’s not like a lot of the venues have been poorly maintained, many athletes have had their funding cut, or that there’s actually less sport played in this country than there was three years ago due to facilities being closed and sold to developers.” Continue reading
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