Protests as conjoined twins win synchronised diving gold yet again

Two hearts that beat as one…

There were protests in the international diving community today after conjoined twinsTom and Dan Goodfellow-Daley won Olympic gold yet again with a perfectly-synchronised dive in Rio.

The twins, who are joined at the shoulder, thigh and buttock, rose as one off the high board before executing a perfectly simultaneous double backflip and pike, hitting the water at the exact same second.

“It seems so unfair,” complained Eddie and Geoff Rutter, an entirely separate pair of synchronised divers from the English village of Harold. “We understand that they’ve overcome great obstacles in life to get where they are today, but we feel that the being synchronised bit just isn’t as hard for them.”

“I mean, we’ve practised the timing and everything for years. We’ve developed a near-telepathic sense of oneness. And we asked if we could use a huge piece of duct tape to stick ourselves together, but they said no. So where’s the justice?”

The Goodfellow-Daley twins are no strangers to controversy, after it emerged at the last Olympics that Tom, the one on the left, actually had no desire whatsoever to be a professional diver, being terrified of both heights and water, and was only going along with it because he didn’t really have much choice.

“I hate my life,” he explained sadly to journalists after the medal ceremony.