Tag Archives: MPs

by | May 28, 2015 · 7:00 am

Send in the bears! Osborne plans to outnumber SNP with pandas

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Pandas only too keen to leave Osborne’s ‘man cave’.

George Osborne has demanded that England’s emergency supply of pandas are opened, and sent to Scotland to outnumber SNP MPs.

The plan was hatched during a hastily convened COBRA meeting, following yet another quip from Nicola Sturgeon that ‘Tory MPs are outnumbered by pandas in Scotland’.

“We’ve heard that one before”, said Osborne. “In fact this is the 148th time it’s been recorded in Hansard. I’m buttocked if I’m going to let those bummers repeat it again.”
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by | August 17, 2014 · 1:14 pm

Benefits ‘welfare card’ scheme to be extended to MPs’ expenses

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New proposals to pay benefit claimants onto cards that limit what the money can be used for will also be rolled out to MP expenses.

The scheme will ensure the ‘scroungers’ don’t waste taxpayers’ money by ensuring it is only used to but the essentials, and not on lavish dinners, homes for their parents and duck houses.
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by | August 11, 2014 · 7:00 am

Nanny knows best: government warning on alcohol says just visualising a pint can kill

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Don’t look at this picture if you’re at work, it could render you too intoxicated to carry on

Stringent new rules on alcohol are set to be introduced including health warnings on bottles, and visualising a pint while behind the wheel being enough to put you over the drink-drive limit. Continue reading →

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by | August 1, 2013 · 2:34 pm

Levels of BS in central London reach dangerously low levels.

houses-of-parliamentEvaluations by environmental health officers in Westminster have shown that levels of bullshit (BS) have reached dangerously low levels. This has seen concerns for those in the media that feed off the BS, usually from a prime harvesting location outside 10 Downing Street.

The lower than usual levels of BS has been linked to the summer recess in parliament. As with honey production being down due to the lack of bees in the UK, BS production has hit an all time low as MPs pretend to do constituency work from yachts in the Mediterranean Continue reading →

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