No mercy for voters as election campaign enters 4380th day

We choose him, her, other him, all of them, none of them, whatever, just please make it stop

Jaded voters are this morning facing another long and weary day of being campaigned at by politicians who are as in touch with how rest of us live as the Queen is with the latest beefs on the grime scene. While technically this build up to the nation going to the polls has lasted no longer than any other, many are reporting that it feels as if it’s been going on for at least twelve years.

“Maybe there was a time when a sentient cardigan, the least empathetic vicar’s daughter since Lucrezia Borgia, and the kid at school no one could be arsed to bully because he always burst into tears anyway weren’t constantly howling for attention,” said local business woman Sally Kettle, “but it’s really hard to recall it.”

“What if the actual election never happens? If I was a politician I’d want to spin this shit out indefinitely too,” she said. “Better to be talking immense loads of chutney on your battle bus than actually being the one who deals with Brexit.”