Let’s talk about sex, Tories: disenchanted voters pine for good old-fashioned sleaze

The Conservative Party logo during the Major years

Disenchanted voters have been complaining about the lack of sex scandals within the current Tory party.

“It’s disappointing,” complained Harold support worker Mark Keen. “This lot are so into telling us all how to live and going on about family this and decent, honest people that that by now you’d’ve thought at least half of them would’ve been caught trousers down or skirt up in a petting zoo.”

His views were echoed by pensioner Doris Kettle.

“Remember John Major and his back-to-basics campaign?” she said. “I think it brought the country together watching Tory MP after Tory MP resigning over sexual impropriety. Sometimes straight, sometimes gay it didn’t seem to matter it was just shag, shag, shag from dusk-to-dawn. Oh how we laughed.”

“Sleaze has been part of British politics for centuries,” nurse and member of Harold’s Viking community Ærndís Vigfusson told us. “And it seems very suspicious that so far it’s not played a huge role in the current government. It must be due to the civilising nature of the Liberal Democrats.”

When she’d stopped laughing Sister Vigfusson said: “Only joking. I think it’s because no one’s found out what the Tories are really up to yet. Yes, many of them have been caught fiddling their expenses but can they only be interested in money? This brand of Tory hypocrisy isn’t half as much fun as the last one.”