Tag Archives: Wombles

Huge increase in coronavirus testing as the Wombles take power

There’s more empathy in these eyes than Matt Hancock’s
The UK has finally got a grip on the Covid-19 crisis as a bunch of stuffed oddballs created in the sixties and seventies are removed from their positions in government by the Wombles.
Communicating through a shadowy figure known only as ‘Bernard Cribbins’, the Wombles have increased the number of coronavirus tests being carried out daily by more than 400% and also found the time to have a gently amusing mishap over an old umbrella then enjoy a slice or two of elmbark pie followed by double buttercup ice-cream.
“The Wombles are the heroes we need right now,” Mr Cribbins told reporters at the Number Ten daily briefing. “Some may say they have no experience, no plan and are in fact fictional. To them I say this – they’re still a better bet than Boris Johnson.”

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Filed under Covid-19

56% to vote Womble at next election: shock poll reveals

They’ll be the best looking Cabinet since Lord Salisbury’s stone cold foxes of 1895

Theresa May’s vision of it always being Tories but never Christmas has been dealt a stunning blow as a new poll revealed that fifty-six percent of voters are planning on voting Womble in 2020. Many of those polled cited the Wombles’ ability to clean up Wimbledon Common and make good use of the things that they find without messing it up, going massively over-budget, selling most of it to overseas shell companies or employing George Osborne as especially appealing. Continue reading

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Wombles to lose Wimbledon Common access under Brexit

The Wombles

Bloody foreigners, coming over here taking our litter and tidying our commons….

Nigel Farage is insisting that under Brexit the UK’s favourite mostly immigrant litter-picking team will lose access to their Wimbledon Common home.

“This is a furry swarm of unskilled economic migrants who’ve arrived uninvited in this country and have made no effort to integrate with British society,” Farage said. “They’ve come from as far away as China and the Amazon basin to take advantage of our benefits system and our way of life. Especially the part where decent Brits enjoy covering their country in rubbish which is our right and one we fought WWII to uphold.” Continue reading

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Wombles despair as cutbacks threaten Wimbledon clean up

Tobermory may look calm however inside he's raging.

Tobermory: spokeswomble

Now the tennis is over the Wombles are struggling to give the All England Club a post-tournament clean due to cutbacks.

“The government said we had to become a profit-making service,” said spokeswomble Tobermory. “Wombles work as a team, Wombles are tidy and Wombles are clean but since we were forced to stop volunteering and make coin we’ve been shafted right up the Harry Hamster.” Continue reading

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