Armed robbers who burst into Kim Kardashian’s Paris hotel room got more than they bargained for when the ubiquitous celebrity bombarded them with minute details of her daily routine.
With her bodyguard quickly overpowered and tied up, a brave Kardashian confronted the robbers in the only way she knows how – by oversharing every aspect of her personal life from plucking her eyebrows to oiling her bottom.
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Filed under Entertainment, News
The Daily Mail has had its medication reviewed after a study of its website shows it is still confusing Kim Kardashian for news.
“We thought we had dealt with this illness that sees them confuse paparazzi stalking and soft core perversion with news,” The MailOnline’s therapist told us.
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If you want a vision of the future, imagine having to stare at this face – forever.
As the Rochester & Strood by-election takes place today Britain will be forced once again to endure saturation coverage of Nigel Farage’s enormous mouth.
“I’m all for democracy,” Harold pensioner Tom Stalling told us. “I just wish it could happen without having to see a thousand images of the bleak cavern of cliché and invective that resides under that cream-faced loon’s nose.”
Other villagers have told us that they feel they will be able to cope with a day of inescapable Farage-mouth pictures.
“Doesn’t bother me,” said Sally Kettle. “I’d rather see his mouth than Kim Kardashian’s oily arse any time.”
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Filed under Politics
May contain crap
Never knowingly underexposed celebrity Kim Kardashian has announced that her next project is to attempt to do mankind’s biggest defecation.
Kardashian Publicity Assistant 114 said the most common reactions to Kim’s recent naked photo shoot was ‘wow, what a massive butt’ and ‘jeez, she is full of crap’, and it was Kim’s own idea to combine the two in the ‘world’s biggest dump’ project.
“Kim is so intelligent to think of the idea, but she is dedicated too. To ensure the success of the project she is even going to eat food” said Kardashian Publicity Assistant 114.
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Filed under Entertainment
Kim settles down at the Rovers.
The Queen of Reality TV, Kim Kardashian, is reported to have accepted a role on Coronation Street; television’s longest running soap opera.
According to insiders, scenes have already been filmed in which curvaceous Kim, 33, has been cast as a barmaid and distraction for Steve McDonald, the landlord of the Rovers Return. Continue reading
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Filed under Entertainment, News, Showbusiness
What if it’s not racism? What if he’s just an arse?
Sometime rapper and full-time egomaniac Kanye West has claimed in an interview for BBC Radio One that being black is holding him back despite being a self-made man worth an estimated £100m, with yearly earnings of £20m and music sales that have seen him become the sixth best-selling solo artist of all time.
West’s snit was prompted by the fact that he feels disrespected as a designer of trainers and his being told by one designer at Paris Fashion Week that if wanted to attend their show he shouldn’t attend others. Continue reading
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Nothing is more British than this
The BBC announced today that it is to broadcast a special episode of family favourite Doctor Who to coincide with start of Ramadan on 9th July. The exact details of the plot remain a closely guarded secret but it is understood that the Doctor will make a new acquaintance and share the meal that breaks their daily fast – iftar – with them and their family.
“There have been and always will be Christmas specials of Doctor Who,” said Paul Regan, a spokesperson for the show. “But as someone who travels throughout space and time the Doctor has of course witnessed many different religious festivals so this year we are showing him getting involved in one as well as reflecting a part of the hugely diverse Doctor Who audience.” Continue reading
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Filed under Culture, News, Religion, Showbusiness
Crank or wise man?
Colonel Thomas Hallet, formerly of the Dunstable Light Infantry has served his country with distinction both in the UK and across the world seeing service in Stockholm, Geneva, and the Turks and Caicos Islands. Now he faces another battle and that is to convince the medical establishment that an intolerance to celebrity culture is a genuine illness.
‘It started with Britney Spears,’ he told the Evening Harold. ‘Some years ago she broke up with her husband who was once her backing dancer and is known as K-Fed. And I know that. That is knowledge in my head that I’ll carry until my dying day. It is knowledge that I categorically did not seek out and it’s making me ill.’ Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold
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