US stealth ship ‘can play Springsteen a bit quieter’



A new $4bn US ‘stealth’ warship can go into battle almost undetected, thanks to a breakthrough in playing Bruce Springsteen tracks a little quieter.

“Until now, the US Navy has struggled to stealthily police the world’s oceans”, explained marine engineer Chuck Cousteau, “without the enemy picking up traces of ‘Born in the USA’.”

Using a special graphene ‘towel’, the new vessel can ‘muffle’ its PA system, allowing the destroyer to creep around as quietly as a modest jazz frigate.

Cousteau’s team had experimented with a folk soundtrack instead of the misinterpreted patriotic rock classic. This was abandoned, when the first prototype was very quickly sunk by friendly fire.

But it’s not just noise that’s been addressed, insisted Cousteau, while dressed as a dolphin. “We’ve also tackled the visual aspect.”

“The ship can put out a smokescreen, to disguise the slick of discarded McDonald’s wrappers she leaves in her wake.”

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