by Max C-F |
February 11, 2016 · 6:50 am
Twofer: Mister Superpaws, a baby cat
Cats and babies have beaten runners posting their mileage, selfies, humblebrags, motivational quotes, cryptic attention seekers – “Sigh. This is the worst” – pictures of food, game requests, and political/religious rants to meet in the grand final of a contest to determine the most boring subject for a Facebook status.
In the semi-finals, cats comfortably saw off ‘99% of you won’t have the courage to repost this‘ whines while babies kicked constantly posting about your health to the kerb. Now these two titans of yawn are to be pitted against each other. Continue reading →
Wait, wait…this bit’s good…
Compilation videos of three and half hours of ‘hilarious’ minor traffic offences are the reason some people will have no visitors this Christmas.
That’s the claim of a report that found a causal link between dashcam ownership and self-righteous, pompous behaviour.
“In the past, once the sherry glasses had been handed out, you knew you were in for endless photo albums that showed Simon and Heather have better holidays than us”, said Harold’s Nigel Hostage.
“But now, it’s clips of their neighbour crossing a single white line, or stopping with their rear wheels in a box junction”, sighed Hostage. “From the evidence of this film, it’s clear they followed her all the way to Devon.”
Continue reading →
10.45 Hi tennis fans! Welcome to the Evening Harold live blog for today’s ‘action’ at Wimbledon. We’re expecting several over-privileged posh twats on court today, and hopefully at least a few hilarious hissy little fits.
11.00 Not long to wait now. We’re on Court no.1, where the reek of smugness is already radiating off the crowd. Some are wearing ‘fun’ hats, others are tucking into strawberries. Lovely. What a delightful group of tennis aficionados, as opposed to ‘stupefyingly dull pricks’ that Neil from Derby has just suggested by text message. Steady on Neil, you sound like a communist.
11.20 At last it’s time for the official warm-up session, where members of the public practice looking surprised when they’re picked up by the TV cameras. A coach is showing them how to master the ideal combination of delight and embarrassment, without slipping into crude, sexually suggestive hand gestures.
Matt from Surrey tweets: Come on Tim!
11.30 A small man dressed like Alan Partridge has climbed into a massive children’s high chair. Christ knows how much he paid for that ticket. The perverted little freak.
11.32 Boris Becker is next door, practicing doing his German accent. You’re not fooling anyone you know, Boris. You’re ginger for fuck’s sake.
Continue reading →
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