Tag Archives: babies

by | February 11, 2016 · 6:50 am

Cats and babies to meet in final of Most Boring Facebook Post Subject contest

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Twofer: Mister Superpaws, a baby cat

Cats and babies have beaten runners posting their mileage, selfies, humblebrags, motivational quotes, cryptic attention seekers – “Sigh. This is the worst” – pictures of food, game requests, and political/religious rants to meet in the grand final of a contest to determine the most boring subject for a Facebook status.

In the semi-finals, cats comfortably saw off ‘99% of you won’t have the courage to repost this‘ whines while babies kicked constantly posting about your health to the kerb. Now these two titans of yawn are to be pitted against each other. Continue reading →

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by | November 18, 2013 · 7:00 am

Party leaders ask couples to ‘start conceiving babies to kiss’ in time for 2015 election

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Having a real baby to kiss will stop Ed having to use his imagination

With around 18 months to go until the next General Election, the three main political party leaders and Nick Clegg are encouraging young, good looking and fertile couples to start reproducing to ensure a healthy supply of babies to kiss during their campaigns.

In what is seen to be the last tradition that still allows grown men to kiss strangers’ children, the act is seen by many spin doctors as a good way to make the front pages and gain votes without having to be held to account on policy.

“If these preferably beautiful couples start creating little bundles of electoral gold now, then they will be 9 months old at the height of the Election Campaign” ex-labour spin doctor Alastair Campbell explained. “Politicians are at their core, a little bit thick. Having a few nine-month-old pieces of political capital spread around a meet and greet gives them a diversion from real people asking questions on policy.”

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by | August 9, 2013 · 10:30 am

Local Lothario celebrates eighth full year of paternity leave

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‘Wedding video’ was widely watched.

A womaniser from Harold’s Shippam’s Estate is celebrating tonight, after securing his eighth full year of paternity leave. Dave Grobbelaar, 27, received the happy news by text message from ‘girlfriend’ Sandy Twittock, while feeling up her sister in the snug of The Squirrel Licker’s Arms.

While Grobbelaar claims to be ‘an all-round handyman’, those too close to him claim he’s inexperienced with all but one tool. Confirmed father of around 15% of the local population, Grobbelaar now has his own parking space at the Tarbuck antenatal clinic.

“Being a serial father can be a risky business”, claimed Grobbelaar, ‘you can’t rely on paternity leave, unless you’re sure the mum is working.”
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