Party leaders ask couples to ‘start conceiving babies to kiss’ in time for 2015 election


Having a real baby to kiss will stop Ed having to use his imagination

With around 18 months to go until the next General Election, the three main political party leaders and Nick Clegg are encouraging young, good looking and fertile couples to start reproducing to ensure a healthy supply of babies to kiss during their campaigns.

In what is seen to be the last tradition that still allows grown men to kiss strangers’ children, the act is seen by many spin doctors as a good way to make the front pages and gain votes without having to be held to account on policy.

“If these preferably beautiful couples start creating little bundles of electoral gold now, then they will be 9 months old at the height of the Election Campaign” ex-labour spin doctor Alastair Campbell explained. “Politicians are at their core, a little bit thick. Having a few nine-month-old pieces of political capital spread around a meet and greet gives them a diversion from real people asking questions on policy.”

Not calling for a pre-election baby boom in 2008 is seen by many inside the Westminster bubble as the main reason Gordon Brown lost the 2010 election.

“If only there had been a healthy spread of babies in Rochdale, he would never have had to engage in a sensible conversation about immigration with Gillian Duffy” Mr Campbell continued. “But instead he tried answering her questions by lifting her up, kissing her on the cheek and telling the camera how pretty she was.”

“When she didn’t react to his media-friendly molly coddling, instead insisting he addressed her genuine concerns he was left with no other option but to call her a bigot while still being recorded.”

There have been some critics that disagree with making people feel they should be having children just to meet the needs of a politician’s election ambitions. In particular, Nigel Farage has come under attack for asking UKip supporters to try to give birth to non-white babies.

“I don’t want any of my candidates being accused of only kissing white children” the UKip leader explained. “If you thought the reaction to Gordon Brown calling a pensioner a bigot was bad, it will be nothing compared to the outcry of Godfrey Bloom smacking Michael Crick over the head with a toddler.”

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