‘Goodbye Gruel World’, a thin porridge emporium in Shoreditch, has been trying to turn Osborne’s table since Tuesday.
“When Mr Osborne came in, he was wearing an ashen sack, and asked if we could water our gruel down”, said Sandy Hampstead.
“But when I tried to serve it to him, he enquired as to ‘what the eff it was’, and pretended he’d ordered chateau briand.”
Hampstead noticed he was suddenly wearing a silk suit, and went to get the chef out to apologise.
“That’s when he promised to raise the chef’s wages, claimed his meal was ‘delicious’, and went outside to get a minicab.”
The last time Osborne was seen, he was travelling west on the road outside. Then east, then west again, alternating between a cloth cap and a top hat.
Osborne denied that he didn’t know where he was going, or that he’s wasted taxi payer’s money. As he explained, “I got a discount, by paying the driver from the amount I’d cut from his future earnings.”