‘No new coalition without Lib Dem MPs’ warns Nick Clegg

Clegg half-heartedly eating a knuckle sandwich.

The Liberal Democrats have warned voters that there will be no future sell-out to the Tories, unless they actually elect some of his Lib Dem MPs.

The stark warning came as Clegg brushed aside questions about bedroom tax, tuition fees, bombing foreign countries, sex abuse cover-ups and actual moral fortitude. Instead, he read out the frequency his radio show is broadcast on and promised to do a fun quiz.

“A protest vote for us can still serve a purpose”, said Clegg. “A ‘vote for yellow’ is a vote for disappointment, a vote for underlining your disgust with the current voting system. A vote for highlighting the abject futility of voting.”

Clegg assured the party faithful and five other people at the conference that the Liberal Democrats were still in a position to make meaningless empty promises.

“Do you want your children to be brought up in a world without Lib Dem MPs?” asked Clegg, presumably rhetorically. “A world devoid of that yellowy/goldy/ not-quite-sure-what-it-isy colour? Well get yourself down to that polling station in May.”

“If you’re daft enough to vote for us again, I guarantee you’ll be getting more of the same”, assured Clegg. “That is, a strong sense of regret, a bitter feeling of betrayal. And a weekly phone-in show, where I’ll apologise quite convincingly.”