Following mounting concern amongst Ballsfandom followers at Ed Ball’s absence from the political front line, the Labour Party’s publicity machinery has clanked into life to assure Balls fans that their hero is alive and well and will be seen again soon after the General Election.
“Other than Ed himself, there is nothing sinister about Ed’s disappearance,” said a pro Miliband Labour spokesperson. “He has been told to concentrate on his next budget and to help him with this we’ve provided him with all the things he needs like a safe and secure house, several minders and his usual six square meals a day.”
“It is vitally important for the future of the Labour Party .. er .. , the Nation, that Ed concentrates on the task ahead so we have removed all phone and internet connections just in case he becomes distracted by pestering journalists trying to get him to tell the truth.”
Despite the official line that Balls is working on creative schemes such as paying down the deficit with more raids on Hatton Gardens and taking Bank Holidays away from Bankers, concern was raised last night when a pigeon was found in Westminster with a scribbled poignant and tear jerking message tied to its leg reading “Help! Balls trapped”.
Sighting an opportunity to salvage a failing campaign, the Tories have offered to pay the ransom for Ed Ball’s release which they hope will force Labour to return the gaffe prone Shadow Chancellor to the political arena.
Meanwhile the ambitious Mrs Balls, Yvette Cooper, is said by friends to be unrattled by the disappearance of her husband and happier than she has been for years. It’s rumoured that Ed Miliband, a very good friend of hers from their University days, has promised her a big one after the General Election and she is hoping he means the Chancellorship.