Cameron promises wife ‘smaller dishes pile and less net dust’

In a bid to get wife Sam to stick with him for another term, David Cameron promised he will attack the dishes pile and really get on top of the dust despite not making much progress on either of these chores over the last 5 years.

“Gordon left a huge mountain of dishes when he left number 10 and I’ve done really well to stop the pile getting too much bigger” explained the PM.

“And the percentage of dirty to clean dishes has actually decreased over my watch, due to a clever quantitative easing approach I call ‘buying new dishes’.”

“I admit I underestimated the constant dust clouds coming from Eastern Europe. The vacuum cleaner just can’t seem to cope with it, probably because I haven’t yet worked out how to turn it on.”

Samantha Cameron said 5 years of broken promises made her sceptical.

“Dave’s too lazy to actually wash any dishes – he just hides the dirty ones in the cupboard. And when his mate Nigel offered to deal to the dust by coming round and closing the windows, the spineless blob just muttered ‘Brussels won’t allow it’.”

“He tried to scare me by saying the alternative was the ‘chaos and uncertainty’ of ‘getting into bed with Ed Miliband and Nicola Sturgeon’. That does sound complicated but could it really be worse than the grim austerity of sleeping with Dave?”