Prime Minister David Cameron has spent the last few weeks secretly growing a beard in a desperate attempt to capture the ‘hipster’ trend sweeping the nation, it emerged today.
The real reason for Cameron avoiding the recent TV dates has been revealed to be nothing to do with being a great big coward with indefensible policies – instead it is simply that the Prime Minister has not wanted to risk unveiling his fledgling growth until its development is beyond ridicule.
“Our researchers tell us that this new ‘hipster’ movement is the key to really getting down with the young generation,” a Downing Street spokesman explained. “These young ‘hepcats’ are going to look at David’s facial hair and see something of themselves in it.”
The suggestion that Cameron might actually be a little bit late in jumping on the hipster bandwagon was rejected by the Prime Minister: “I’m hip and I’m hop, and if the beard doesn’t convince you, wait until you see my amazing new pair of red trousers!” he insisted.
I’ll be off then…
Following David Cameron’s somewhat premature announcement that he would not serve a third term as Prime Minister, Labour Party leader Ed Miliband has controversially ruled out serving a first term. He reportedly came to this decision after studying opinion polls and talking to people.
Miliband tipped David Cameron, Home Secretary Theresa May, Chancellor George Osborne and London Mayor Boris Johnson as potential Prime Ministers, but admitted sadly that he personally was unlikely to be taking advantage of Downing Street’s lavish pair of kitchens any time soon.
“Terms are like Shredded Wheat,” explained Miliband to journalists. “I can’t even manage one. It’s just not going to happen, is it? Well, maybe if you poured milk all over it, but Prime Minister? Not bloody likely.” Continue reading
“This is going to hurt you much more than it does me.”
A controversial scheme, whereby taxpayers will assist Tory politicians onto the gravy train ladder of single-party government, is being launched months earlier than expected at the Conservatives’ annual conference.
David Cameron told the BBC’s Andrew Marr that the party is still ‘recovering from a very low base’ and first time voters still needed a nudge to vote the right way. He rejected fears that the Help to Buy scheme will fuel a bubble of voter over-optimism. “As Prime Minister I am not going to stand by while fine candidates’ aspirations to get on the gravy train ladder are being trashed.” Continue reading
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