Cameron brings forward “Help to buy Election” scheme

“This is going to hurt you much more than it does me.”

A controversial scheme, whereby taxpayers will assist Tory politicians onto the gravy train ladder of single-party government, is being launched months earlier than expected at the Conservatives’ annual conference.

David Cameron told the BBC’s Andrew Marr that the party is still ‘recovering from a very low base’ and first time voters still needed a nudge to vote the right way. He rejected fears that the Help to Buy scheme will fuel a bubble of voter over-optimism. “As Prime Minister I am not going to stand by while fine candidates’ aspirations to get on the gravy train ladder are being trashed.”

Cameron added “If we don’t do this it will only be the people with rich parents – or those who are themselves city traders – who can get on the gravy train ladder. That is not fair, it is not right”.

Insiders at Tory central office had expected that Government sweeteners would be rolled out some nine months before the next election but Cameron believes he needs a longer run-up or the electorate might suspect they’re being bought off with their own taxes.

“Osborne’s never been that good with a calculator or decimal points – at St Paul’s a fag did his sums for him. It turned out he’d kept back more than planned in the err… ‘contingency fund’ and we’ve been able to start bribing the punters this autumn. It’ll be next year’s conference when we really start to dole out the cash though.”

He rejected LibDem coalition partners’ conncerns about an unsustainable boom in the economy, particularly in south-east England. “The big banks and big bankers have already signed up to this scheme and made sizeable party donations with monies they haven’t paid in tax. I think that shows who our true partners are.”

Mr Cameron also used the BBC interview to stress that there would be no ‘mansion tax’ if he remains Prime Minister. “Mansion tax? Are you mad? Most of my friends have mansions. I’ve got a couple myself and Gideon owns half of Berkshire. Critics say he’s out of touch with the ordinary voter but you try managing a portfolio like that whilst being Chancellor of the Exchequer”.

“But you’re right Andrew – he is a complete cock.”