Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls has finally been spotted in public, running in a loping gait and clutching a femur.
In a security lapse, Balls slipped into an area where the press were present, and touched a mysterious stone monolith left there by a weird alien.
“At that point, Balls made a startling transformation”, one reporter told us. “He stopped flinging his muck, and demonstrated rudimentary tool use.”
The reclusive ‘attack chimp’ first used the bone to scratch at his bottom, before stoving in the head of someone who looked a bit ‘wealthy’.
“It’s as if he’s finally got it, the stone imparted him with socialism”, said the reporter. “Perhaps they’ll let him out a bit more now.”
Ed Balls was last seen walking nearly upright, chanting the meaningless near-promises etched in the stone. “About the Same Number of Ducks, shall we potato? Money, Be Nice, Immigrants, Try Not to Cock Up.”