Please God, don’t let it be put out to stud.
Whenever I used to visit my local racecourse, my friend and I would devise sure fire ways of picking the winner of the next race.
Eventually, I settled upon putting my fiver on the horse being led by the best turned out stable lass. Meanwhile, my cannier mate studied the horses carefully and put his money on the horse which dropped its .. er .. droppings before the start or the race, the theory being that the horse would be less encumbered when it came to the serious matter of racing.
Now it’s highly unlikely that any of the candidates for the General Election will be dropping their load in public before the off, but with just one day to go, here is the Evening Harold guide to the main runners and riders.
Nick Clegg (Yellow): Unlikely to win, but sure to could influence final outcome. Will stud with anyone in exchange for 5 year tenure in comfy stable.
Nicola Sturgeon (Tartan): Feisty little filly showing good breakaway form in practice. Unable to run outside of Scotland but although she can’t win the race may have an influence on final placings. Several of the other runners are keen to stud with her.
Ed Miliband (Very Red): 45 year old who promises much but has failed to deliver on several occasions. Blames old trainer for previous errors. This could be his year, or he could fall at the last. Refuses to mate with other contenders. Blinkers.
Nigel Farage (Purple): Gelding. Fancied by loyal working class punters, but most likely to cause usual chaos by running riderless and getting in the way. Worrying tendency to froth at the mouth whenever European outing is discussed.
Leanne Wood (Flowery): Pleasant nag from the valleys. Only able to race in Wales so little will be heard of her for another 5 years.
Natalie Bennett (Green): Australian mare with special interest in chomping greener grass. Against horse racing so probably won’t feature much.
David Cameron (Blue): Top weight who claimed victory last time, but expected to face real challenge this year. Known to sweat up before the off. May be put down after the race as several replacements waiting to take over in the stables.
Miles Anour (Political Correspondent)
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