The government’s much-maligned Universal Credit reforms have again faced stinging criticism, this time from the gaseous creatures of Earth’s closest neighbouring star system.
Keen to avoid another u-turn, Ian Duncan Smith wants to keep the name ‘universal’ while making sure as few people as possible are eligible to claim.
In a compromise thrashed out with the Lib Dems, the benefit will be opened up to all known galaxies, but only to sentient beings that have lived in the UK for more than two years and that can speak English, Latin and Plutonian.
“When we first learned that we would be eligible for the same benefits as other workers in the UK, we were delighted”, thought helium-based life form Frrrrglispopilthwaite-39. “We communicate through electrical impulses, so we’re the ideal candidates to fix his awful computer system.”
Some of Frrrrglispopilthwaite-39’s colleagues had already made the 4.37 light-year journey when they learned of the latest changes. “We’re disappointed, insisting on spoken languages is discriminatory against the telepathic community”, he emoted. “We may might not be able to hold a pen but we can certainly set up a database that doesn’t fall over when you enter the word ‘Scunthorpe’.”
The gaseous life forms are prepared to work for the minimum wage and live inside a modest vacuum flask. “We like to relax by being compressed and sloshing around in our liquid state”, projected Frrrrglispopilthwaite-39. “We keep ourselves to ourselves but we can integrate if you like. Although it’s worth mentioning, that can give you nosebleeds.”
The helium-based organisms are disillusioned and may well drift back to their homeland. Particularly as several national newspapers have criticised them for using the services of the NHS.
“That wasn’t my fault, I was trying to help so I emailed myself into Ian Duncan Smith’s laptop to see if I could fix it”, transmitted Frrrrglispopilthwaite-39. “I ended up next to one from Nigel Farage, and I think he must have given me a virus.”